this post was submitted on 17 Oct 2023
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Was a serious alcoholic for 12+ years.
I do things the hard way. I lost apartments, jobs, girlfriends, etc over and over again for years, scraping by at rock bottom. One DUI wasn't enough, I had to go get another several years later. That's the one that pushed me truly past the edge to be ready to quit. By that point, I knew very well how awful my addiction was for me. There was nothing romantic about drinking anymore. Just pain and shame. I harnessed my guilt, depression, and self-loathing and turned it into absolute, seething hatred for alcohol. Otherwise I'd fail, again, and swing through a gas station for a 40. I couldn't be around people drinking anymore. I started buying cigarettes from places that didn't sell booze. I started painting miniatures for DnD and Warhammer 40k to keep me busy at home, which worked really well for me. I didn't go to AA, but I had in the past (and I had the nerve to pound a beer beforehand and then insist - to other alcoholics who clearly knew better - that I was sober, to my unending shame).
Addiction is insidious. It talks to you in your own voice, all the time. I had to drown that out with hatred. I started replacing "alcohol" with "poison" in my thoughts. I watched drunk people downtown with absolute disgust, mostly at myself for having acted like them. And I set goals for myself, because a large part of why I drank was out of despair. I went back to (trade) school. Met a great partner. Anything and everything I could do to keep myself moving. I used to just lay in bed, drinking and watching Netflix on my phone, so I forced myself to at the very least get up and dressed and spend my days off in the living room instead. Breaking patterns, you know?
It's a lot. Sometimes, 6.5 years later, I still find myself thinking a beer would be nice. I have to shut that shit down hard. A year after I dried out, my mom passed from alcohol-caused organ failure. It was a sad, painful end for her. That memory helps keep me on track.
Find something to do. Find lots of things to do. Rewrite the way you think about your addiction and turn it into a conflict you're dedicated to winning. That voice in your head isn't your friend, it's The Enemy and it Wants You Dead.
This is what many people don't get. It's the same with depression. You have to stand up against your own mind and its thoughts, that makes it so so difficult. What thoughts can you trust?
Stay strong, my dude.