cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/33157624
As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.
My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.
But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn't sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it's kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It's like she can't explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn't like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can't explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)
What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?
What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it's like... why can't you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she's constantly never ending overwhelmed.
I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!
Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don't mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.
I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.
59 yo man with ASD with a 20 yo daughter with ASD.
We don't perceive or express emotions the way normies do. We don't understand subtle social clues or hints. It's easier for us if you just tell us what you are thinking. My wife is moody and passive aggressive which I just don't understand. If you're happy, tell her. If you're mad, tell her. If you're upset with her, deal with it.
If she is peopled out give her space.
If she's with you it's because she wants to be. She has learned to mask which can make her seem cold or indifferent. She's just trying to act in a way that won't cause a negative reaction that she has witnessed in the past.
I do that. When I'm dealing with someone new who I find attractive I am extremely flat bordering on cold. I have misinterpreted what I thought were hints or suggestions in the past so I assume that everything that might be a hint or a suggestion is not and play everything neutral casual. I've been told by women that I'm emotionally stupid as a result.
Make her feel safe telling you what she wants. If she tells you she wants something do it if you can. If you can't, don't get emotion, just explain that you can't but ask her to ask about the next thing. Make her feel safe asking you for things.
If you can learn to communicate with her Aspies are a lot of fun. I have a standard speech that I give to everyone I meet that I might be interested in being more than casual acquaintances with that explains how I act and how to communicate with me. I had someone once ask, "So I can ask you anything and you will say, 'yes' or, 'no' and if you say, 'no' it won't change anything?" Yes. "Like what can I ask?" Do you want to have coffee? Can I join your Minecraft realm? Can I sit on your face? "Can I sit in your face?" Yes. "That's cool."
We find dealing with normies who never just come out and say what they want and who hint and suggest and brood exhausting. When you get two of us together shit happens.
I hope this helps.
EDIT: I should proofread. Fucking racoons.
We are very open, talk directly. She does not explain things well, has no real methods to communicate. We tries writing letters, we have tries texting, but she ends up getting frustrated And upset because she doesn't know HOW to explain her feelings. She defaults to IDK. She will say that she wants to understand, wants to talk but does not understand her own feelings and thoughts to even know how or what to talk about. So we always just wind up in a stalemate and move on. We basically seem to agree we feel the same emotions but the communication between us is hard due to her inability to express it.
Edit: So I was asking for tools to use. Methods to try. Anything at all to attempt to gain insight into her. How can we grow and talk if she is incapable of explaining anything even basic emotions and feelings.
(Autistic person here, working on expressing my emotions too) You could try a feelings wheel. There are a few different designs that work on different principles, but the general idea is that they show the relationships between different emotions. I attached a few here so you can see which one works for her best.
This is a good idea. This is exactly the type of tool I was looking for. Any other good suggestions? Methods I can improve on. Thanks! I will try these and see which she likes.
i've also come across an app and a website for this!