Mr. Truk rolled down the pickup’s window — “HEY SMARTY!” he shouted through the wind.

Prof. Sweemey turned around — “WHAT?” Sweemey shouted back.

“YOU’RE LOOKIN’ ALL GLOOMY OVER THERE!” Truk shouted, “YA NERVOUS ABOUT THE BIG PRESENTATION?”

“NO, NOT REALLY!” Prof. Sweemey replied.

“YA SEASICK, THEN?” asked Mr. Truk.

“THAT WAS ONE TIME! TWENTY YEARS AGO!” Prof. Sweemey replied with a laugh.

The fjord-islet drew nearer, and Prof. Sweemey noticed on the islet’s wharf an excitedly waving man — presumably Commander WILLIE DUSTICE of the Volcel Police, by Sweemey’s own reckoning. The boat slowed, and within moments docked uneventfully at the wharf; Mr. Truk turned on the pickup’s ignition, and upon exchanging valedictory waves with Prof. Sweemey, drove off the boat and parked in the islet’s garage. Prof. Sweemey disembarked in turn and shook hands with Cmdr. Dustice:

“You’re Commander Dustice, aren’t you?” said Prof. Sweemey.

“And you’re Professor Sweemey, aren’t you?” said Cmdr. Dustice. “Why, I must speak for the whole Volcel Police delegation when I say that we’re all very excited to see what you’ve been working on. We’re blessed to have you with us on this beautiful day.”

“You flatter me so.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“Oh, and your presentation is to be held about three hours from now, just before dinner, you know. I hope that’ll be enough time for you to rehearse — good luck in any case. You have the eighth cabin, and if you need me, I have the second.” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“Roger.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“Please, my name is Willie!” said Cmdr. Dustice with a laugh before returning to his cabin; Prof. Sweemey went to his own cabin in turn.

Prof. Sweemey noticed and inspected a small note affixed to the TV’s screen, which read, “If you’re worrying about lead or radiation, don’t: This is just a bent LCD screen with a filter; the box itself is empty. Love, Willie XOXO”

Prof. Sweemey discarded this note, and thereafter opened the cabinet, which was full of video cassettes: one cassette was labeled rather inscrutably “Teeter Totter + Smoked Cheese”, a few were labeled “Kill la Kill”, “Venture Bros”, “Murder Drones”, “Russian Doll”, and “Project A-Ko”, a bunch were labeled “Blorp’s Visual Cuisine Archive”, and most interestingly for Prof. Sweemey, a great number of the video cassettes were labeled “Sailor Moon”.

“God, how long has it been?” Prof. Sweemey said to himself, as he popped one of the Sailor Moon cassettes into the VCR, and sat back in the rocking chair; the chair squeaked like an old swingset.

After an hour or so of binging Sailor Moon, Prof. Sweemey’s eyes felt wet, and his eyelids heavy — only naturally, given all those all-nighters he’d pulled in preparation for the big presentation. But Sweemey wasn’t going to sleep just yet, not that easily, no! Thus Sailor Moon’s opening theme “Moonlight Densetsu” sounded from the television once more, as Sweemey’s son HUEY played with action figures of Sailors Jupiter and Mercury, and sounds of urban life provided their own music through the window of the Sweemey apartment.

“You sure like those Sailor Guardians, don’t you, Huey?” said Onson Sweemey.

“Yes, Dad! They’re the coolest!” said Huey Sweemey.

“What do you like about the Sailor Guardians?” asked Onson.

“I like that they save the world from bad guys! I like that they proteck people!” replied Huey.

Onson smiled. “Say, Huey, wouldn’t you like to be a guardian some day, too? To protect the world from evil, just like the Sailor Guardians?”

“Proteck the world from evil?” asked Huey.

“Yes,” said Onson, “In real life, we have our own guardians who protect us: the Volcel Police. I worked with them since before you were even born, developing new technologies to help them do their jobs — I can take you down to the station so you can see some of the things I made for them!”

“Can I get Sailor Moon ice cream there?” asked Huey.

“Sure, we can stop for Sailor Moon ice cream, too.” said Onson. Thus the father and son went out to get ice cream and visit the local Volcel Police station.

...But when they arrived, the lights were out, as if the building had been abandoned in a hurry. So Onson knocked on the door:

Knock, knock— “Is anyone in there‽”

Knock, knock— “Hello-oh‽ Do you hear me‽”

Knock, knock— “Smarty‽”

Knock, knock— “Smarty‽ Are you in there‽” — it was Mike Truk’s voice.

Prof. Sweemey’s eyes shot wide open, and he found he was in fact sat in a rocking chair in a cabin on an islet in a fjord, and decidedly not standing outside the front door of an abandoned Volcel Police station.

Knock, knock— “Ya gonna be fashionably late as usual, Smarty‽”

“Sorry, I just nodded off for a second!” said Prof. Sweemey.

“Look, the chef’s got some kitchen troubles right now, so dinner’s gonna be a bit delayed, anyways, so it’s not that big a deal — but please just get yourself presentable ASAP and I’ll drive you to the proving ground, OK?”

“Roger!” said Prof. Sweemey.

“For the last time, my name is Mike!” said Mr. Truk, as Prof. Sweemey hit “stop” on the VCR. Sweemey then put his shoes on and got in Mr. Truk’s pickup. Mr. Truk then started the engine, and the two were off on the winding, bumpy, crackly gravel road to the beach on the islet’s north side.

“It’s,” —bump— “my life’s work is what it is, but I won’t spoil it even for a friend since high school, ah!” said Prof. Sweemey.

“That’s harsh, man,” —bump— “the curiosity’s killing me!”

“Then let it kill you.” Prof. Sweemey said with a chuckle, as the pickup pulled up to the beach, where the Volcel Police delegation had already assembled.

Truk and Sweemey got out of the pickup. “Sorry to keep you waiting!” said Sweemey.

“Don’t sweat it, Doc! ‘Genius’ and ‘punctual’ are practically antonyms, ah!” said Cmdr. Dustice.

Truk and Sweemey unloaded the wooden crate from the pickup’s bed, and placed it in the sand, tall side vertical, and then the two together carefully disassembled the crate to reveal its contents:

“…Is that a mannequin wearing a freakin’ Sailor Jupiter kigurumi?” asked Cmdr. Dustice, gesturing with a baffled expression at KINOBOT.

“She’s not a mannequin, Commander, she’s a gynoid.” insisted Prof. Sweemey.

“Be that as it may, she’s still clearly wearing a Sailor Jupiter kigurumi — is this an elaborate practical joke‽ Brown hair with a long ponytail and earrings; a sailor uniform with a collar and long pleated skirt both pale brown; big anime eyes; there’s no mistaking it’s—”

“—I know what Kino Makoto looks like, and I know you know that’s her name.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“Sorry, Professor, it’s just… I find the Kino Makoto kigurumi to be a bit of an odd choice for our prospective new superweapon, right? Why not an original design?” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“I had to work with spare parts for the prototype.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“…So you just had a Kino Makoto kigurumi at ho—?”

“Yes.”

“…Oh.”

“For many years, in fact, that kigu’s just been laying around gathering dust in my apartment.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“…Uh-huh.” said Cmdr. Dustice. “Well, superficialities aside, what makes your robot here so special?”

Prof. Sweemey took a deep breath. “Kinobot’s hypersensitive electroreception, effective in a one-kilometer radius, coupled with top-of-the-line pattern recognition software, allows her to effectively read our thoughts. She’s got a great battery life, too.”

Prof. Sweemey lifted the back of Kinobot’s collar, and unscrewed a panel hidden beneath it to reveal the controls inside. He flicked the power switch, screwed the panel back on, and Kinobot’s mechanical eyelids within moments shot open, revealing her LED screen eyes. And Kinobot thus spoke,

“Hi! ♥ My name is Kinobot! ♥ My pronouns are 'she' and 'her'! ♥ Note that despite my name, I have no relation to the Soviet post-punk band headed by the late great Viktor Tsoi! ♥ Also note that for legal reasons, I must state that any resemblance between myself and any persons real or fictional is purely coincidental! ♥ More importantly, I serve to remind this community, in the name of Jupiter, that this is a hentai-free zone! ♥ If you are looking for hentai, please leave this community immediately! ♥”

“Why’s she keep saying ‘Unicode Character Black Heart Suit’?” asked Cmdr. Dustice.

Prof. Sweemey continued, “…When an artilleryman aims his gun, Kinobot detects this ‘impulse of hatred’ and reacts accordingly — a special block in her body accepts all the data as long as the artilleryman is thinking about it, then at the moment of action…” — Prof. Sweemey flashed a gesture at Mike Truk, who was manning his pickup’s anti-tank artillery; and Mr. Truk nodded, and opened fire at Kinobot. Kinobot leapt out of each shell’s way with immense speed, sustaining not even a single scratch of damage from Mr. Truk’s hellfire.

Click, click — Mr. Truk was soon out of ammunition, yet Kinobot remained unscathed.

“Tough girl…” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“As I was saying,” Prof. Sweemey continued, “At the moment of action, Kinobot catches the impulse and moves out of the way to avoid being hit. In a word, as she catches these bio-electrical currents — the enemy’s intentions — the enemy unintentionally and contradesideratively regulates Kinobot’s behaviors to her advantage. Pretty cool, huh?”

“Yes, it’s great for defense…” said Cmdr. Dustice, “…But how does she attack?”

“I need to turn on two more blocks for that.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“Do as you need.” said Cmdr. Dustice.

Prof. Sweemey unscrewed Kinobot’s panel once more, and flicked two more switches. Kinobot then suddenly turned her gaze to Cmdr. Dustice and remarked, “You’re thinking about a nice cold beer, aren’t you, Commander? ♥ I don’t drink alcohol myself, for multiple reasons, but I certainly wouldn’t say no to a nice glass of cooling fluid on a hot summer day like this! ♥”

Kinobot froze for a moment, and then continued, “…You find me creepy, don’t you, Commander? ♥ Rest assured that I take no offense to what anyone thinks of me! ♥ It’s part of my programming loop to make occasional ‘smalltalk’ based on people’s thoughts, as a rudimentary way to check that my software’s still working! ♥ Please don’t mind it! ♥”

Kinobot froze again, but kept staring lifelessly at Cmdr. Dustice.

“…Is she stuck?” asked Cmdr. Dustice, a bit uncomfortable.

“Well, she needs to sense two impulses in order to act.” Prof. Sweemey explained.

“And what are those?” asked Cmdr. Dustice.

“The first is the ‘impulse of wooging’ — she uses this impulse to identify who is experiencing or about to experience sexual arousal, and she then designates these persons as potential targets. The second impulse is the ‘impulse of fear’, where an enemy afraid of being destroyed contradesideratively informs about their weaknesses — allowing Kinobot to calculate her most efficient attack.”

“And because no-one’s both horny and afraid right now, she’s just gonna stand there doing nothing?” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“Pretty much, yeah.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“Let’s continue this after dinner.” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“Very well.”

“Weren’t we gonna have vegan steamed clams?” asked Cmdr. Dustice.

“No, no, I said vegan steamed hams,” asserted Chef ANATOLI SMORIN, “That’s what I call vegan hamburgers.”

“Smorin, did you intentionally almost set this building on fire just to make a dated Simpsons reference?” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“…Maybe.” said Chef Smorin.

Truk, Sweemey, and the Volcel Police delegation took their seats and dug into the veggieburgers.

“You know, these taste an awful lot like the fast food veggieburgers from the HexBurger on the mainland, but I’d be damned if Chef Smorin was so committed to the bit as to breaststroke for 20 minutes straight both ways for a joke.” said Cmdr. Dustice. “…Oh, and this music we’re listening to now is from Irony of Fate, isn’t it? I love that movie. Who made this playlist?”

Prof. Sweemey raised his hand.

“Ho-ho-ho, so it was you, huh?” said Cmdr. Dustice. “A super genius inventor with a great taste in movies and music — what’s not to love? Let’s toast to the man of the hour!”

Everyone raised a glass and said, “Za vashe zdorov’ye, Professor!”

“You flatter me so.” said Prof. Sweemey, and the room fell silent save for the music.

“The test seems to be going well.” said Lt. KARLA DANDLETON. “Imagine if we’d had a machine like that in the posting trenches with us, we might not have had so many defederations! You remember the Blåhaj affair, don’t you, Professor? Such a great loss, all because of those damned chasers…”

Prof. Sweemey stared out the window, apparently not listening.

“Professor?” said Lt. Dandleton.

“Uh?” said Prof. Sweemey.

“You zoned out for a moment there.” said Lt. Dandleton.

“It was… nothing. I’m just tired.” said Prof. Sweemey. “You heard that I zonked out in the cabin, and that’s why I was late, right?”

“Well, in any case, I was just asking why you hadn’t invented your machine earlier — how many of our powerposters could’ve been saved by a horny-bonk or two just a moment sooner!” said Lt. Dandleton.

“My son was in the Volcel Police with you, you know.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“Is that so?” said Lt. Dandleton.

“Yes.” said Prof. Sweemey. “The Kino Makoto kigurumi I used for building Kinobot was originally my son's, you know: he loved Sailor Moon, and Jupiter was his favorite of the Sailor Guardians. I never quite got the kigu thing, personally, but I encouraged him nonetheless, and I encouraged him to join the Volcel Police. He was even given a medal for his service…”

“Wow, congratulations!” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“…Posthumously.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“My condolences for the loss of your dearly departed son et cetera et cetera.” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“I appreciate your concern.” said Prof. Sweemey.

“We’re waging a war on wooging here, casualties are inevitable…” said Lt. Dandleton.

“Yes, this is war…” said Prof. Sweemey as he stood up and went to the front door.

He faced the delegation. “So, do you like your new weapon? She’s FABULOUS, isn’t she! But try your new weapons out on yourselves, not on others. Kinobot is currently set to ‘kill’ mode, you know, and she knows just as well as you where she can get anti-tank munitions from...”

Prof. Sweemey opened the door, and said, “...I already told you all about the impulses she detects, so yeah, try not to think of anything lewd, and if you do, try not to think of how she might punish you for those thoughts in Jupiter’s name — she first learns your kinks, then your fears. But I have nothing to fear, myself: no family, nothing to lose, nothing.”

Prof. Sweemey left and slammed the door on the Volcel Police delegation. The meeting room fell dead silent, save for the music.

“Shiiiiittttt… She’s aiming right at us with that artillery, isn’t she?” said Cmdr. Dustice.

“You know a guy since high school, and one day he just tries to kill ya, huh!” said Mr. Truk, “I tells ya, I’m gonna give ol’ Smarty a piece of my mind once we get out of this, ‘cause it’s clear that this irrational move comes from a place of profound emotional pain…”

“Dude, he’s trying to kill us, isn’t it a bit early for preemptive forgiveness?” said Lt. Dandleton.

Capt. MARIA McRLWAIN slurped her Slurp Juice, and said, “Hey, at least we’ll remain safe as long as we don’t think about anything lewd, right? So Kinobot is as good as harmless for the time being.”

“I suppose so…” said Cmdr. Dustice.

The room fell silent again, save for the music.

The music.

THE MUSIC!

“THE MUSIC!” shouted Lt. Dandleton before running out of the building, plugging her ears and shouting “LALALALALALALA”

“EIGHTEEN NAKED COWBOYS IN THE SHOWERS AT RAM RANCH!” the boombox thundered at a deafening volume, as Capt. McRlwain lunged at the boombox desperately trying to shut it off.

“THAT TRICKY BASTARD TIMED HIS PLAYLIST SO THAT EXACTLY THIS WOULD HAPPEN!” Capt. McRlwain shouted as Truk, Dustice, and Smorin fled the building, not a moment too soon as—

—KaBOOOOOOOOM!—

—Kinobot obliterated the entire meeting house with a single shot of the anti-tank artillery.

END OF PART 1.