If you are the kind of person who feels apathetic about everything but you ever remember something you cared about when you were younger, write it down. Or do it even if you aren't like that, memories are a lot less permanent than they may seem.
That was all I really wanted to shout into the void, the rest of this is just kind of venting about how I feel right now I guess. Please remove the post or let me know if this isn't the right place for this kind of thing. I've always been very bad at expressing myself and I just wanted to try in some way.
I have no idea what caused this, but for some reason today I started remembering things from my childhood that I haven't thought about for many years. Years of my life that, if someone had brought something about them up to me, I would have instantly recalled were true, but that had just been a completely forgotten void to me at the start of this week.
This kind of thing probably happens to most people at some point in their lives, but right now I feel like I am discovering that I used to be someone different and it somehow came as a genuine revelation to me. I forgot that I ever cared about anything at all.
Here's one of the things I remembered:
CW: animals getting killed for meat
When I was a kid (must have been around age 9 or 10) I used to kind of just randomly wander around out of town along paths to get away from home sometimes. Around 40 minutes or so of distance out of town I came across a path that lead by the back of an ostrich farm I had seen signage for but had never been to before. From there you could see through a tall chain link fence into a large ostrich pen and a smaller enclosure.
Over the next 2 months or so this became my favorite spot to be at because I really liked observing the ostriches and just being out there. The actual farm operated as kind of a tourist business, where you could pay an entry fee to look at the ostriches, look into the incubators, buy souvenirs etc. I didn't have any money and even back then I hated being around people so I would have never gone in anyway, but I kept coming back to watch from the outside and it genuinely made me feel nice.
Somehow in all the time I went there I had never realized that of course they would kill some of them and cook their meat at the farm restaurant. I was like 10 years old and a really dumb kid lol
I was genuinely very upset when I did learn about that. I just liked watching those animals and I couldn't understand how someone would want to go there and watch them and then still eat them. And after I learned about that I never went back.
It's crazy for me to think about how much this meant to me at that short period of my life only to have completely forgotten about it again until now.
I know I'll never be different but in a way I am glad to remember that at some point I was. And right now I am glad I haven't killed myself, which I haven't in a long time. And I do want to hold on to that if I can.
I'm just some awkward rando on the internet, but thank you for sharing. I think finding any reason to keep pushing forward and keep going is something to hold on to and fight for. In my experience even a tiny drop of hope or reason can help dull the ache that makes the void look like the only way out. If you're reading this, I'm glad you're here. It feels less lonely just knowing you're all out there.
Thank you for your reply and reading my garbage in the first place lol. I'm glad you're out there too.