parenting

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Parenting Chat - 06/08 - 06/14 (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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How's the family?

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Your husband sounds like the one who needs meds. Our 2yo still finds ways to get up at odd hours. Its getting better but that's still a reality. We had really long stretches where both of them would be up at odd hours. That's just how it is. If your doctor isn't concerned about your kids sleep then its normal.

I've slept in the basement on a couch to try and get sleep. I've cried myself to sleep because it was the 100th time a kiddo woke up and was in our bed. I've slept in their bed to help them sleep countless times. Our oldest is 4 and our youngest is 2, so its been 4 straight years of kids not sleeping, and I've never once blamed my wife.

In fact, I was also very angry about the sleep situation and eventually went to a therapist to deal with my anger. I got back on ADHD medication. So I'm not being flip when I said the above.

The sleep schedule of kids is hard. These kids have brains growing, teeth popping out, bones stretching, its got to be hell! For millions of years humans lived in collectives where everyone would take on the task of helping with with the babies. Now we lock ourselves into a house and leave the responsibility on just the parents. Its messed up.

Just know it's not you. You're doing your best, and that's good enough. Postpartum is very real, and I honestly believe men suffer a form of it as well but its never acknowledged or addressed. I'm sure its a result of the above, not having the support that we've had as a species for millions of years.

I have to know how he thinks it's your fault.

[+] [email protected] 2 points 1 week ago (2 children)

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 week ago (1 children)

The problem with the “If your doctor isn’t concerned” part is that my husband IS a doctor. So whichever way he decides is the right way, is the right way. It’s endlessly frustrating. I was a nanny for years before this, but I am not considered the authority on childcare in our relationship. I believe this is fully a relationship issue and not a sleep issue.

I'm sorry, is your husband a pediatrics doctor? Because if not, maybe he should not be talking outside his specialty. Regardless, you have a pediatrics doctor, no doubt, and that doctor should be the authority full stop. You also have more experience raising kids. I know people whose kids were not readying to sleep on their own until 5. We're actually really lucky that they're both sleeping in their room.

Sleep training is bullshit as a method because it doesn't work for all kids. There is no evidence to my knowledge of it "working". It sounds like what you're doing is totally fine.

He also told me if I go in the room to get our kid he will not have more kids with me. I went in to get him.

I'll be frank with you. This kind of language is abuse, and I'm very concerned that he's talking to you like this. You have to wonder what else is he willing to hold over your head? This is definitely language that would give me pause in my relationship.

But our kid is doing pretty good with sleep in my opinion! He wakes up once a night usually and I have to help him back to sleep, takes a few minutes. He stays on his own floor bed until the sun comes up and sometimes I can get him to nap in my bed for a bit. He goes to bed so late though, but he isn’t a terror. I am up anyways.

Again, this sounds really normal. We started a nighttime routine with our kids around 2 years old. Lights out at 7:30, stories, then bedtime. It took them some time to really ease into it, but it's become a solid part of our night every night.

We are military and moved in the last year so it is really just me and him and this child.

It's funny you mention the military. My wife grew up in the Navy, and when I read this out loud to her, it tossed some red flags up. I don't fully know your situation, if you are state side or not (you don't need to say), but it's worth saying that you're very much at the mercy of his position, and he probably understands that. Healthcare, Military Housing, job security, and it really limits your personal opportunities, that's a lot of cards he's holding.

Thank you for making a community on here and giving me a place to write essays.

I needed a space like this when we had kids and couldn't really find one that I jived with, so I tried to step up for myself, but for others here too. I'm glad this space has given you somewhere to talk honestly about your situation.

I hope I'm not coming off too hot, but that's just my perspective from here. Obviously, you know your situation better than I do. Hopefully, things get less frustrating for you soon.