this post was submitted on 27 Nov 2024
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[–] [email protected] 32 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (17 children)

They could also spend a modest sum and get off that way. There are at least two major things that I think you're missing:

A lot of them want a partner who they can be emotionally intimate with, not just someone to fuck. A simple proof that doesn't involve us both needing to look at their forums is that they have a popular acronym "KHHV," or "kissless, hand-holdless virgin" which I think is used partly to emphasize their literal distance from women, but also to communicate closeness they are lacking besides the sex. If all I want is to fuck people, what do I give a shit about holding someone's hand? This is also part of why trad shit so easily gained traction there, because it was basically viewed (falsely) as a guarantee to have a partner that you could emotionally invest in and they wouldn't leave you (there are many ways this is wrong, of course)*

The second thing, as I mention in my dumb rant in this thread, is that incel communities are highly predatory cults. They prey on the mentally ill, racial minorities (particularly Asians), and literal children. They take your trauma** and convince you that it's just what the world is for someone like you. It's not about whether you can objectively access sex (again, escorts exist), it's about hating yourself and, through that, hating everyone outside of your new group of "allies".

Also, like, nothing against kink, but a fair number of people -- especially the sexually inexperienced -- are really not into basically any of it. Also I think the huge number of subs is more a gay community thing (I've been told there's a top shortage), but I wouldn't know since I'm one of those vanilla hets.

*While I believe these pieces of evidence do point to my conclusion, I recognize they are unconvincing. The real reason I believe it is because I spent some time on incel boards (I was never an incel) and the level of sentimentality about relationships, about being told "I love you" and so on was off the charts.

**in the former two cases. With the kids, it's just straightforward ideological grooming

[–] [email protected] 17 points 7 months ago (16 children)

A lot of them want a partner who they can be emotionally intimate with, not just someone to fuck. A simple proof that doesn't involve us both needing to look at their forums is that they have a popular acronym "KHHV," or "kissless, hand-holdless virgin" which I think is used partly to emphasize their literal distance from women, but also to communicate closeness they are lacking besides the sex.

The level of intimacy they yearn for is created over months, the sex is usually much earlier. So perhaps part of the problem is that they mentally have the cart before the horse, the order of things that are supposed to happen is incorrect in their heads and therefore they fail the whole dating thing because it doesn't match with the material reality and issues occur interacting with others over this.

The second thing, as I mention in my dumb rant in this thread, is that incel communities are highly predatory cults. They prey on the mentally ill, racial minorities (particularly Asians), and literal children. They take your trauma** and convince you that it's just what the world is for someone like you. It's not about whether you can objectively access sex (again, escorts exist), it's about hating yourself and, through that, hating everyone outside of your new group of "allies".

Yes I agree with the cult aspect.

Also, like, nothing against kink, but a fair number of people -- especially the sexually inexperienced -- are really not into basically any of it. Also I think the huge number of subs is more a gay community thing (I've been told there's a top shortage), but I wouldn't know since I'm one of those vanilla hets.

Yeah so they yearn for a specific kind of traditionally romantic relationship, probably learned from patriarchal television, movies and dramas, which doesn't actually spontaneously exist in the real modern world anymore outside of teenagers or rare random occurrences of two people with chemistry hitting it off. And even then the two people with chemistry get down to fucking before they get down to any kind of deeply involved romantic intimacy after months of building emotional bonds and closeness.

The other side of this is that they're so misogynistic how the fuck do they expect to get that romantically close to someone before they realise how awful they are?

[–] [email protected] 16 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) (12 children)

I wouldn't really know since I've only ever had "traditional" relationships, but I'm pretty sure they still exist. Most of the people I know (which is now mid twenties at the youngest up to near 40) are in romantic relationships or want to be, it's not just hook-ups out there. Like, don't get me wrong, thinking about how to find a way to get into a romantic relationship again makes me want to CW, but that's partly because it was already really difficult for someone like me and it's getting more difficult as I get older . . . Anyway, of all the things we can blame them for, I think not wanting to fuck men and now wanting to, idk, whip and step on people? is really it. Incidentally, one of the veins of discourse in the incel community is basically doing conversion therapy to become gay because they believe that it's way easier on average for a dude to get laid if he's gay. I've never seen someone report that the converted themselves, though.

The other side of this is that they're so misogynistic how the fuck do they expect to get that romantically close to someone before they realise how awful they are?

Well, they didn't become such sickos until after they already had their negative experiences, at which point they've usually given up and made sexual frustration their religion. There's no contradiction in this specific point, even if there's a lot of short-sightedness, dehumanization, reaction, etc.

Edit:

The level of intimacy they yearn for is created over months, the sex is usually much earlier. So perhaps part of the problem is that they mentally have the cart before the horse, the order of things that are supposed to happen is incorrect in their heads and therefore they fail the whole dating thing because it doesn't match with the material reality and issues occur interacting with others over this.

Not to keep playing reverse "Spot the Contradiction," but you need to remember that these are people who generally have never had a girlfriend. Period. They might get a first date or two and then get ghosted. In the context of a first date, do you think that for a het woman, a man more interested in emotionality than sex is somehow a red flag? Like yeah, if he's trauma dumping to you while you're at the diner and you don't even really know him, that's probably not gonna fly, but if anything I would think emotionality that is somewhat in check and deprioritizing sex would be considered substantial positives for these guys as candidates. Unfortunately for them, most of them never even got that far and the other ones found some other way (probably prioritizing sex in many cases) to fuck it up.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 7 months ago (1 children)

and it's getting more difficult as I get older

like how old? I guess it's never easier than like early 20's

[–] [email protected] 2 points 7 months ago

Yeah, it's easy in high school and even easier as an undergrad, but there's a precipitous drop immediately after that, at least for me (though I have to imagine it applies to many other people).

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