Today I Fucked Up

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Traditional_Clock303 on 2025-08-03 11:28:34+00:00.

Today I f***ed up by mistaking a very friendly insurance agent for someone who was into me.

So a few weeks ago, I was at a coffee shop just minding my own business when this girl approached me. She was super friendly, asked if she could sit at my table (it was a crowded place), and we ended up talking for a while. She was laughing at my jokes, complimented my watch, even said something like, “You have a really calm energy. It’s refreshing.”

My brain: This is it. This is how Netflix romances begin.

We exchanged numbers ,or rather, she took mine and said she’d love to "catch up again soon." The next day, she texts me: “Hey! So nice chatting yesterday 😊 Let’s connect sometime this week.”

I’m already planning what shirt I’ll wear.

We set up a “catch-up” at a quiet lounge-y place. I show up, slightly overdressed. She’s already seated with a laptop, folder, and what I now realize was not a flirty smile — it was a sales smile.

She starts the convo with:

“So I don’t know if you’ve ever considered a long-term investment plan that also protects your loved ones…”

I died a little inside.

I sat there for 40 minutes while she pitched me life insurance like I was a 50-year-old family man with mortgage anxiety. The compliments? Rapport-building. The number exchange? Lead capture. The "refreshing calm energy"? Probably code for “this guy looks too polite to leave mid-pitch.”

To make it worse, I nodded through the whole thing like I was still trying to impress her.

TL;DR: Thought I was being flirted with by a girl at a café. Turned out she was just a very charming insurance agent. I went to what I thought was a date, and got pitched life insurance instead.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Funerals4Life on 2025-08-03 07:07:49+00:00.

I originally posted this on r/overheard, but I think it might be appropriate here as well.

I gave one of my coworkers a ride home from work when I overheard a phone conversation between my coworker and his bf, who called during the drive. My dashcam recorded everything my coworker was saying, so what you're about to read is verbatim, minus my real name. For the record, I never heard what the bf said, but this is what I heard less than 30 seconds into the phone call:

Coworker: I cancelled the Uber. Kyle offered to take me home.

Bf: Blah blah blah.

Coworker: We work together.

Bf: Blah blah blah.

Coworker: Why are you being weird right now?

Bf: Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Coworker: Okay, fine, whatever. You're not being weird. You're being insecure as fuck.

Bf: Blah blah blah.

Coworker: Can we please not do this on the phone while I'm in the car with someone?

Bf: BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Coworker: Wow. Okay. In other words, I should've spent money on an Uber driver instead of accepting a free ride from a guy at work because apparently you made up your mind that I'm working at a sausage factory where everyone is heteroflexible.

Bf: Blah blah blah.

Coworker: Baby, you know I love you, but just because you decided to literally stop being straight after meeting me, doesn't mean Kyle is low key going gay because he's got another guy in his car. Leave room for logic, my love.

Bf: Blah blah blah.

Coworker: Yes, thank you, to be continued. Okay, bye.

Bf: Blah.

Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable drive for everyone involved, but especially for me, the driver, who just wanted to do a good deed and go on with my life without getting caught in the middle of an argument between two angry twinks about my sexuality and the possibility of me being a side dick. What made the situation even more complicated for no reason was what happened the following day when my coworker sent me a message to inform me that his jealous bf wanted to know what I looked like so he decided to look me up on social media and discovered that we actually knew each other. Based on the information the bf shared with my coworker, we were apparently in high school together. For the record, I've seen my coworker's bf before because I follow my coworker on IG, and he frequently tags his bf in his posts, but I still had no idea who the bf was or where he belonged in my high school history.

It all became clear to me when I eventually looked up the bf. It was true, we knew each other, but we were never friends. He was literally one of the biggest bullies in my school. I didn't know who he was at first because he was now no longer as big as he was during his teen years. The amount of weight he lost since school made a massive difference to his appearance. I sent my coworker a message to confirm that I did in fact know his bf from high school, but not as friends, we were not even in the same grade, and because of how he looked then vs how he looked now, I would never have known it was him, if it wasn't for whatever the fuck was happening. My coworker ended up calling me moments later. It was a long phone call. My coworker said his bf came clean about being a bully in high school and kind of implied that I might be attempting to get back at him for bullying me all those years ago by getting close to my coworker, aka his lover.

In the wise words of Mr Miyagi, what the fuck. My coworker said he had to talk his bf out of contacting me to try to "clear the air" between us. I made my coworker promise me that he would keep his bf out of my life because I've moved on. It's not that deep. It was just a car ride. Nothing more. The end. My coworker said he was gonna take care of it, but he just wanted to keep me updated so that I'm not caught off guard if his bf did "anything weird." I'm done driving coworkers home.

Tl:dr Offered to drive my coworker home, but then got caught in the middle of an argument on the phone between my coworker and his bf, who apparently believed I wanted to get close to his coworker to get back at him for bullying me in high school.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Cautious_Proof9608 on 2025-08-02 20:42:58+00:00.

So I have tics. Harmless, right? WRONG.

I’m sitting on the city bus, minding my business, when Shaggy’s Mr. Bombastic starts playing on repeat in my head. Harmless, right? Suddenly, my mouth goes “MR. BOMBASTIC!” Guy behind me: “Mr. Lomba Lomba.” Me: ???! My soul left my body.

I was visiting this guy I was dating in the psych ward yes, I know, red flag factory He asks me sweetly, Can you grab me a hot cocoa from the café downstairs? Me, thinking I’m hilarious Sure, I’ll bring you back a big Black male stripper. We laugh. Ha ha. I walk off to get the cocoa like nothing happened. On my way back? BIGGEST Black male nurse I have ever seen. My brain don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it My mouth “OOOOH, THERE’S the HOT COCOA stripper!” To. His. Face. I could feel Satan laughing from hell.

Someone once told me this dark joke about musicians fingering a minor. My brain stored it for later Fast f orward to Walmart. I’m in the baking aisle. An elderly Catholic lady is right next to me. My brain: hey remember that joke? My mouth: “Finger a minor.” At full conversational tone. The lady glares at me like I just confessed to a felony. I SPRINTED out of that store so fast

TL;DR: TIFU by having tics that turned me into a public menace: sang Shaggy on a bus, hit on a nurse by accident, and scared a old lady in Walmart

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/hi-again-i-guess on 2025-08-02 19:22:49+00:00.

Today I wanted to do something big for my husband, so I ordered 200$ of paper flowers (he loves flowers and I wanted a lifelong option)

Instead of ordering a nice and coherent bouquet like people would usually do, I asked to get exactly one of each kind of flower that the shop has, so that we could make our own small bouquet compositions at home.

The seller was quite surprised. "...Only one of each ?". She asked for my Instagram account, I wasn't comfortable with giving mine but I followed her the exact same day and it's my name + first name so it really wasn't hard to find.

I followed a lot of random other accounts making paper flowers as it's my current hyperfixation

She shipped my order, then made an Instagram story to complain how some people (especially women she said, like me) were observing her hard work and stealing her art.

I'm 90% sure she was talking about me, plus she ignored my last messages on the marketplace she uses.

TL;DR : ordered exactly one of each product of an artisanal store which is suspicious, the store owner immediately made an Instagram story to complain about an art thief

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/MayNotBeALawyer4Long on 2025-08-01 18:43:58+00:00.

This happened a couple months back, but I saw a skit online that was scarily similar to what actually happened to me IRL.

For context, I’m a divorce attorney. Been practicing for about 8 years now, mostly family law stuff. Generally pretty routine work - people want to untangle their lives, I help them do it legally, everyone moves on.

Let’s flash back to last March…

I took on what seemed like a straightforward dissolution case. Client I’ll call Dave - nice enough guy, been seperated from his wife for over a year, just wanted to make it official. Nothing complicated, decent retainer, figured we’d have it wrapped up in a few months. Dave seemed reasonable, not one of those vindictive types trying to burn everything down out of spite.

Around the same time, I’d been seeing this woman Sarah for a couple months. Met her at a coffee shop near my office, really hit it off. She mentioned going through a divorce but I didn’t pry - not exactly first date conversation, you know? She had a different last name from what was in my client files, so when I ran my conflict checks, nothing flagged.

Everything was going great with Sarah. Really great, actually. We were taking things slow but it was heading in a good direction…

Until we scheduled the first four-way settlement meeting.

I walk into the conference room with Dave, chatting about keeping things amicable, and there’s Sarah sitting across the table with her attorney.

I literally just stopped mid-sentence. My briefcase slipped right out of my hands and hit the floor with this loud thud. Sarah went completely white. Dave looked back and forth between us for what felt like an eternity, and I could see the exact moment it clicked for him.

“Are you fucking serious right now?” he says. Not shouting, but definitely not pleased.

Sarah started tearing up. Her lawyer looked like he wanted to crawl under the table. I’m standing there feeling like the biggest moron in legal history.

Had to immediately excuse myself with Dave. Guy was understandably pissed. Started grilling me - how long had this been going on, did I know who she was, was this some kind of setup to screw him over. I’m trying to explain that I’d been dating his wife for a couple months without having any clue who she was. He didn’t buy it at first.

“What kind of lawyer doesn’t ask basic questions?” he keeps saying. Had to pull out my intake notes to prove the name thing, show him how the conflict check works, basically convince an angry client that I’m incompetent rather than malicious.

Took about twenty minutes before he finally believed it was just spectacularly bad luck. Even then he’s shaking his head, muttering about how fucked up this whole situation is.

I explained I’d have to withdraw from his case and help him find new counsel. There’s no getting around it - I’ve got a personal relationship with the opposing party, which makes it impossible for me to represent him properly.

By the end he’d calmed down enough to say “This is the weirdest goddamn thing that’s ever happened to me.” Still wasn’t happy about starting over with a new lawyer, but he understood why it had to happen.

The paperwork was a nightmare. Had to file a motion to withdraw since we were already in litigation, transfer all his files, deal with refunding unused fees. Sarah and I didn’t speak for two weeks after that meeting - we were both mortified. Her attorney spent forever trying to convince himself this wasn’t some elaborate scheme.

Even though nobody intended for this to happen, it was still my screwup. Should have had better procedures to catch conflicts like this. Doesn’t matter that it was an accident - you mess up the conflict check, you deal with the consequences.

Dave texted me a few weeks later, but it wasn’t friendly. More like “hope you realize this completely fucked up my timeline.” Can’t say I blame him.

And just to add insult to injury, my malpractice insurance premium went up when I had to report the conflict.

TL;DR: Been dating a woman for months, then unknowingly took her husband’s divorce case. Found out during our first settlement meeting when we all ended up in the same room. Had to withdraw from representation, everyone was pissed, professional disaster all around.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/HomeworkDry1499 on 2025-08-01 14:28:51+00:00.

This morning, I woke up to a cute “good morning” text from my girlfriend. Half-asleep, I thought I was replying to her… and sent a very, VERY inappropriate message that included the words “last night’s performance” and “round two tonight.”

Except… it went to my MOM.

I didn’t realize until she responded with: “Sweetie… I think this was meant for someone else. I hope you’re being safe.”

I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. My girlfriend thinks it’s hilarious. My mom, unfortunately, now thinks I’m some kind of Casanova. Thanksgiving is going to be a nightmare.

TL;DR: Long story short, this literally a f moment for both my family and my relationship. I dont know where to go now. Somebody there give me shelter right now and alcohol to drink.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Silent-Order-2921 on 2025-08-01 14:39:27+00:00.

Work-from-home life has been smooth sailing… until today’s client meeting. I usually have a fake “clean office” Zoom background because my real desk is a disaster zone. This time, I didn’t notice the filter failed to load before I joined the meeting.

So while I thought everyone was seeing a professional setup behind me, they were actually seeing the horror that is my real bedroom: laundry piles, an open bag of Doritos on my bed, and worst of all, an empty wine bottle in frame from last night’s “just one glass” situation.

My boss kindly asked if I was “calling in from a frat house.” The client didn’t say a word but looked way too amused.

I’ve spent the last two hours cleaning my entire apartment out of pure shame.

TL;DR: Background did not work correctly on zoom

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/MiniFirestar on 2025-08-01 13:02:37+00:00.

for context: i had an allergy test done a few years ago, and i ended up being allergic to every tree tested for—this included birch, which is key to this story

i recently moved to an area well-known for high quality apples. so naturally, i bought a couple apples and was excited to eat them! i ate one a couple hours ago, and was greatly enjoying it

then, my gums started itching. i didn’t think much about it and kept eating this delicious apple. i finished it, and the itching kept getting worse. i’ve never had an issue with apples before, so i was kinda confused.

ended up googling itchy gums, and it turns out that you can have an oral allergic reaction to a variety of fruits—particularly apple—if you’re also allergic to birch pollen

i brushed my teeth and gums and it got 95% better, but i was still taken aback that i could react to apples in that way! i guess i had never had fresh enough apples until today haha

TL;DR: ate an apple and subsequently learned i probably have an oral allergy to fresh apple pollen

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/PumpkinPie_1993 on 2025-08-01 01:21:34+00:00.

Several months ago I purchased a new body spray in the scent “Vanilla Romance”. There was a sale, and on a whim I purchased a small room spray in the same scent.

I came home, stuck the body spray in the cabinet for when my current one ran out, and placed the room spray in the bathroom without too much thought.

For the past several months, both my husband and I have used that room spray pretty much exclusively only after we poop. It’s become a joke, like if we hear the spray go off we will tease each other. Just normal married couple stuff.

Well today… today I finally ran out of my old body spray and broke out the new one. Vanilla romance. I spritzed it all over myself right before we left for dinner.

Immediately upon getting within the vicinity of my husband, he turns to me and with a grin, says “Ohhhh so thats why we’re going to be late, Ms Poopy-Pants”. He would not believe me when I told him I was not, in fact, using the restroom.

So yeah. I Pavlovian-ed my husband into associating vanilla romance with literal poop. Now I need a new perfume.

TL;DR: In an entirely foreseeable outcome, my new body spray reminds my husband of poop because I purchased a room spray in the same scent months ago.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/always_the_quiet1s on 2025-07-31 06:36:57+00:00.

It's something I quite like doing -sitting on his face. I decided to do it in a particularly dominant way. He was quite into it too.

I felt him take a deep breath and suddenly he let out an explosive sneeze. It was full body, full volume.

At the time, it all happened to fast to know what was happening but I've since broken it down... His had shot forward into my bum (ouch). The force knocked me forward and my knee slipped off the bed. I hit my head on the corner of the bed, just above the eye.

As I lay in the floor, dealing with a sore bum and a cut above my eye, it dawned on me that my pussy and tummy had also been sprayed in his sneeze. 🤢. Not the spray I was hoping for!

I still had to work out what to say when people asked "what happened to your face?"

Tl;Dr: I say in my husband's face. He sneezed, knocking me off the bed and covering me in his sneeze.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ZestycloseBeing1681 on 2025-07-31 17:32:11+00:00.

What was I thinking…. I played football(American), basketball, tennis, and I was on the swim team in high school. I’m familiar with sports but I never played soccer. My son loves the game and has played for several seasons now but this year the league had a big shortage on volunteers and my son begged and begged me to sign up so I did thinking I would be an assistant coach or something but no they game me a team. I don’t watch competitive soccer on TV I’m personally not that big into the sport all my time is spent crying over the 49ers and the Kings… I have ordered the equivalent of “coaching kids soccer for idiots” and I have less than 3 weeks to figure this out

TL:DR I don’t know Jack about coaching soccer…son convinced me to volunteer… thought I would be an assistant or helper…got picked as a head coach…. In way over my head…

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/WillingTank3132 on 2025-07-31 15:03:09+00:00.

Was texting my girlfriend during lunch, venting about how my boss micromanages everything and “breathes down my neck like I’m five.” You can probably guess what happened next I sent it to my boss instead. Panic set in instantly. I tried the whole “sorry, wrong person” move, but yeah… damage done. He replied: “Thanks for the feedback. Let’s talk later.” That “talk” ended up being surprisingly civil, but also very awkward. He hasn’t micromanaged me since, but now he calls me “Mr. Independent.” Moral of the story: always check the name at the top before you hit send.

TL;DR: Meant to text my girlfriend a rant about my micromanaging boss, accidentally sent it to my boss. He saw it, called me in for a talk, and now things are awkward but at least he stopped hovering.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/PhoenixApok on 2025-07-31 07:12:34+00:00.

TIFU by calling my girlfriend's but the absolutely worst thing I could have

Obligatory happened quite awhile ago but I saw another post that reminded me of this event.

My girlfriend and I decided to engage in some sexy times. Without getting too detailed, we were not using the primary hole.

Now, this was pretty hot and heavy sex, not the sweet and loving kind. We're both literally sweating.

Thing is, both of actually liked dirty talk. So again without too much details, we're going down the like "You like that? You're a dirty sl*t. Harder!"

Thing is, I'm running out of creative things to say. I will never understand why this random thought popped into my head.

I recalled that she had told me once that when she was little, her very prim and proper grandmother referred to asses as "Bo Bos"

So with not enough blood to run two things, I bust out with "You love getting fu**ed in the Bo Bo, don't you?"

I've never before or since seen anyone go from 100 to Zero during sex. She literally completely tensed up, asked me what I said, promptly processed it, and literally pushed me out and off.

She wasn't actually upset but she said me using that term just killed all her libido and meant sexy time was over for these night.

"TL;DR:" Made the mistake of reminding my girlfriend during anal sex of her grandmother by calling her butt a "Bo Bo", which was her grandmother's kid friendly name for butts when they were kids

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Apprehensive_Goblina on 2025-07-31 04:12:51+00:00.

To preface - pup is fine. I was careful with her. My thumb, however, is not. I was not careful with myself.

My dog is prone to matting. Her fur is very silky and soft and she's a crazy little 8 month old pup that enjoys rough and tumble play with other dogs. I brush her daily, but she always comes home from daycare with little mats everywhere that were not there in the morning, especially on her back legs and behind her ears. I insist on keeping her very short for this reason and because it's currently boiling hot where my family lives. I cut or shave most of them out, but the ones on her ears are hard to get to.

I decided to invest in a dematting tool. Turns out, it works like a charm. A huge mat behind her ear? 3 pulls and it's gone. Little mat on her leg? 1 pull - gone. I made sure to keep my fingers between her skin and the tool in order to keep her safe.

Well, I should have considered doing that same thing for myself because I sliced my thumb open on the dang thing when pulling her loose hair out of the tool and into the trash. By golly, that ish hurt and still hurts. I knew it was sharp, but not THAT sharp. I could feel my loose skin shimmy when I ran it under cool water. Super gross feeling. 0/10 stars. Would not recommend.

Now I have to deal with typing with a fucked up thumb AND walking with my blistered ankles (new Vans + convention = oops). I also have contamination OCD so hand washing is going to be a nightmare. And next week we're going to a lake, so that's going to be unpleasant. I hope that it scars quickly.

A word to the wise - dematting tools are literally razors. I did not know this. I fucked up by not knowing this.

Pup is mat-free at least. She was very spooked when I started yelling "ow" and sprinting for the sink. She keeps giving me very concerned looks lol.

TL;DR: Sliced my thumb open on a dematting tool. Ouchies. This will be an unpleasant few days for sure.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/itsgucci42 on 2025-07-30 03:57:48+00:00.

This story is from a few years ago but I was just reminded of it and thought it would fit here.

I (24 female) work at a plastic surgery practice as a clinic assistant and part of my job includes taking pre-operative photos for their surgical chart. During one pre-op appointment, I was in the photo room with the patient and I was making small talk to try easing the discomfort of a stranger taking photos of her body. The patient was having a breast surgery so she only needed to have her top half off, she still had on her jeans and boots. She was wearing super cute tan heel boots and I complimented them by saying, “oh my gosh I love you boots!”. She awkwardly said thanks and then made a comment (half joke?) about maybe not needing the surgery. It took me a second to realize that she misheard me and thought I said, “oh my gosh, I love your boobs!”. I apologized and clarified what I meant since I didn’t want to potentially make her more uncomfortable. We laughed it off but it was still a bit awkward and I was so embarrassed. She has since had the surgery and is very happy with her results. Definitely made a mental note to just say “shoes” next time 🤦🏻‍♀️

TL;DR: TIFU by complimenting a woman boots while I was taking her surgical pre-op breast aug photos. She misheard me and thought I was complimenting her boobs.

Side note - I know no one needs elective cosmetic surgery but it’s her body and if she wants bigger boobs then bigger boobs she’ll have 🫡

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Ninjakoopa94 on 2025-07-30 21:07:12+00:00.

Keeping details vague as I'm still in deep shit for it.

My company has a partner company who has, through the years been "difficult" to work with. Shifting the blame for their outages, telling our mutual customers it's our fault and sending them to our support line instead of handling it themselves, etc.

The catalyst was a major outage that took several hours to resolve, with lots of back-and-forth and the usual amount of finger-pointing from them while we worked to determine the cause, which was ultimately the partner's equipment failing.

I, in a moment of frustration, wrote up a review lambasting their company, going into more confidential details than I should have for a public review, especially without clearance from my superior.

This review apparently got enough of their attention that it was passed up their chain of command, through to their CEO, who called our Director of Operations. Oddly enough the CEO wasn't exactly happy someone "representing a partner" wrote such a scathing and detailed review (thanks google for not allowing reviews to be anonymous, in hindsight I should have made a burner account). I allegedly "Undid 2 years of progress rebuilding bridges" with the partner.

If my company was in any better shape I probably would have been fired on the spot, but I wear too many hats to be fired effective immediately. I will probably be updating my resume though, just in case.

TL;DR I left a scathing review for a business partner, their CEO talked to my superior, and somehow I walked away with a write-up instead of termination.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/SoConfuzzle on 2025-07-30 16:47:00+00:00.

Obligatory: this was ~20 years ago

Back when I'd been playing guitar for about 2 years, I (16F) was incorrectly confident in my abilities. However, a girl (15F, who I will call Sara) that went to a different high school made friends with me on MySpace and really wanted to learn. I asked Sara if there was anything she wanted to learn and she said she wanted to learn some Buckcherry song so I learned it as best as I could but printed out the guitar tabs (essentially noob sheet music) just in case. She then invited me over to her place that weekend and I accepted, my parents told me to be careful though.

It was know at the time that I am lesbian and she deemed it relevant so the day before she messages me "my parents won't be home, but I'm watching my younger brother, no funny business ;P". Being absolutely respectful (and not wanting to be a predatory gay) I respond "oh of course not, wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable." I had no plans to hit on her, since all she asked for a guitar lesson.

Day of, I pack up my acoustic guitar, the tabs, an extra tuner, and head to her address...which she did not mention was on the military base. They ask who I'm there to see and all I have is her first name "Uhhhh...Sara? She's my age and uhhhh..." so the privates at the gate turn me away. I spend about an hour trying to reach her but I didn't have a cell phone or enough money for the payphone at the nearby gas station for a long distance call (she had an out of town area code). The pay phone operator took pitty on me and patched me through anyways and she calls the guys at the gate to let me through and then meets me part way to her place to make sure I don't get lost.

After getting in, she reminds me that her brother is upstairs and not to "make a move or anything, it'd be weird haha." I just smile and laugh, then the lesson begins with me teaching her how to tune and showing her some basic thing. I was a little all over the place since it was my first ever time giving a lesson but I thought it was generally informative. About 40 minutes in the lesson, she starts to get ancy and says, "oh look at the time, you should get out of here before my parents get home." I was a little confused because she said we'd have two hours to learn as I arrived but I was in a stranger's home so I took my leave.

She messages me the next day on MySpace, "y'know, I was kinda hoping you'd make a move, I was kind of into you :'(". She blocked me before I could explain.

TL;DR: In high school, a girl I was friends with on MySpace asked for a guitar lesson, which I. Turns out she was looking for romance despite repeatedly saying "don't make a move." She blocked me afterwards.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/DesignIntelligent456 on 2025-07-29 23:45:54+00:00.

Obligatory.... It was today! Woo! It just wasn't me. Today my husband effed up. Lol. FYI, I'm not mad or giving him a hard time, I just get to post a legit eff up.

My birthday is today, and based on all the family activities, my husband had to take our kids out for birthday shopping last night. They got home, I was in the living room, we needed to eat. Of course you would think the things in the trunk had a few minutes.

... This morning my youngest told me to close my eyes so I wouldn't see her sneaking my present out of the trunk to wrap. Then she immediately came out from the garage and asked, "How long can steaks be in the back of a car?" Ahahaha! Oh no! They'd planned a steak dinner. But we've all been there. Accidents happen. We had burgers instead. In the bustle of life everyone forgot to unload the groceries.

I think a good laugh and a good story to tell is a perfect birthday present. My husband can grill a ribeye the gods would love, but it takes a special group to make me laugh at not eating steak.

TL;DR Husband forgot my birthday steaks in the trunk overnight. Still happy and in love with the family, just have a funny story to tell.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Fickle-Leopard-3240 on 2025-07-30 05:12:28+00:00.

This is probably not going to make sense to anyone, but I feel like I need to tell someone because I’ve been doing this for about a month now. I started tracking my protein a while ago. I don’t love protein powder because most of them are artificially produced. I do eat lots of Greek yogurt but it gives me diarrhea if I eat too much because I'm #lactoseintolerant, so I started looking into plant-based options. So I bought a big bag of lentils and would cook them like any normal person would, but tbh I didn't enjoy the taste too much. And one day, I was making a smoothie. Sometimes I'd put dry oats inside for fiber, but then I thought- what if I put dry lentils inside? Then I would be getting both fiber and protein! Like, straight from the bag. I figured it’d blend up fine, which it did. The texture was kind of weird, but not terrible. So I kept doing it, around 5 days a week. Usually 1-2 tablespoons. Sometimes more.

Then one day I told my nutritionist friend about my genius hack, and she looked at me weird and told me that lentils are not safe to eat raw. Later, I did research and found out that raw lentils contain lectins, which can seriously mess with your digestion and even cause nausea and vomiting in some cases. I wasn’t that sick. Not really. I did start having some stomach stuff, but I assumed it was my #lactoseintolerance...

I don’t even know how many I’ve consumed. What’s the lethal dose of dry lentils?

Anyway, I guess I wanted to ask: has anyone else done this?

TL;DR: I’ve been putting raw lentils in smoothies for months thinking I invented a protein hack but actually I just invented gravel milk.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ninjor018 on 2025-07-30 03:19:21+00:00.

I 43M and 42F wife have been married for 20 years. On July 25th I had an endoscopy done with propofol. This was a 1 year follow-up to check on my GERD, Gastritis, and Barretts Esophagus. Since propofol was being used to put me to sleep, it was required that my wife pick me up and take me home from the procedure.

We arrive at the Endoscopy center around 8:40 AM, the appointment was at 10:00 AM and I was advised to get there 1 hour early for check-in. I go to get out of the car and notice my wife is sitting there not getting out of the car. I ask her "Aren't you coming inside with me"? She gets huffy and replies "I thought I was just dropping you off". At this point I just close the door and start to walk in, and then she gets out and catches up to me.

We get inside and they ask me my name, confirm my appointment, take copies of my drivers license and ID. They look at her and ask if she is my ride home for after the procedure. She says yes. They take her name and number, and then we are told to have a seat.

I go to sit down and she leaves. I am called back a short time later and they start an IV, and by 9:30 I am being given propofol and put to sleep. Some time around 10:00 AM they call her and say to come pick me up. I am told to go home, rest, do not drive, do not drink alcohol, do not sign any legal documents for at least 24 hours, start with clear liquids, and follow a GERD friendly diet. I am also advised a 5mm polyp was found and removed. That polyp was sent to the pathology lab. They have me get up, get dressed, and walk over to the patient pick-up area. I am given printed discharge instructions as well.

She arrives around 10:30 AM and I get in the car. I give her the discharge paperwork and explain everything as best I can. At this point I'm tired, my throat hurts and I have a headache. Instead of taking me home she insteads takes us to a diner for breakfast, then to a Claw Haus arcade. We spend I dont even know how much there, but she walked out with two labubu's she won.

We get home and its almost time to pickup our 12 year old daughter from school. I tell my wife I am going to rest as its what I was instructed to do. She gets mad and starts arguing with me.

The rest of the day is a blur, but it included me going with to pickup our daughter from school, going to home depot after, then drive thru at Mcdonalds for dinner, and by around 9:00 PM we are walking through Wal-mart. Wife is saying something about needing a 12 foot collapsible ladder. Over in hardware she is looking at ladders and is trying to get me to make a decision on which one to get. At this point my headache, fatigue, throat, and stomach are hurting and I tell her I just want to go home. Instead of her picking a collapsible ladder she instead opts to get a full size 12 foot ladder.

At this point I tell her that if we get that ladder it would take up the entire passenger side of the car and that would leave me without a way home. She just looks at me and then goes about the rest of the shopping trip. Again before the check out I tell her that the ladder will leave me without a way home. Again she ignores me. By the time we get to the car (A 2021 Chevy Bolt Premiere EV) I have to put the rear and front passenger seats down, and then make that ladder fit in the car. By the time its done our 12 year old daughter has a spot in the rear driver side, and the wife has the front driver side seat. I have no where to sit. I again tell wife this and she goes "You can either walk home or wait for me to drive home, unload the ladder, and come back later to get you".

I was aghast as now its barely 12 hours post procedure, I've had zero time to rest, and she's been making me run all over town with her on shopping errands. Reluctantly I give up and start walking home. At this points its late, 10:00 PM or so. The walk home includes crossing busy streets, sidewalks that areQ soaked from the irrigation sprinklers. By the time I get home I am soaked head to toe from being drenched by these irrigation sprinklers all along the sidewalk.

At home I go inside and then have to help unload the ladder from the car before I can finally change into dry clothes. The next 30 minutes or so were spent with me explaining that I shared my discharge instructions, that I was supposed to home and rest, not be paraded around town on shopping errands, and definitely not being forced to walk home in the dark alone the same as my procedure.

AITA for expecting care and compassion from my wife about this situation?

TL;DR: after an endoscopy with propofol wife made me run errands. No rest even when I asked for it.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ourmanflint1 on 2025-07-30 02:23:08+00:00.

I get a break here because it happened when I was 13 years old. I was a young wanna be photographer, and I had been researching the cost of setting up my own dark room. It’s a mostly lost art: you need an enlarger (they ran from very simple optical lamps for under $100 to super sophisticated models that ran over a $1000) film tanks, chemicals, paper, and dozens of other pieces of equipment. Plus, you needed a light proof room with decent ventilation. My parents were mostly supportive. If not, mostly disinterested, I was allowed to come and go as I please and they were willing to let me use am unused bathroom at our house to set up my erstwhile dark room. I just never had enough money to do it, so I used to have to use a rented dark room at a local studio that charged by the hour.

My 15 year old brother was a very early computer nerd and phone freak (early hackers used a Captain Crunch whistle to get free calls, but that’s a whole different story) he had different projects going on all the time (some pretty sketchy) He used to buy stuff  from the US Government, they mailed books for auctions and surplus disposal. He had setup a bidding account and had bought crazy used electronics and decommissioned communications devices. It was all through sealed-bid offers and conducted solely through snail-mail. You’d see a listing you wanted, you filled out a bidding form and then sent it through the mail. If you were the high bid, you’d receive a notice, sometimes 4-6 weeks later with instructions on payment and drayage. 

He showed me a brief listing that caught his eye, it’s been fifty years but it went something like:

Portable field darkroom: Enlarger, trays, storage, Self-contained with supplies and tools.  

The listing had dozens of abbreviations and other details that I didn’t understand, and it was located 90 miles away in the San Diego area. Shipping was to be coordinated by winning bidder.

I was VERY excited. My brother had gotten electronics and tools for pennies on the dollar. He agreed to send a bid for me. After much deliberation on how much to bid we came upon the magnificent sum of $80.00, there was little to no chance that I would win….But, who knows. 

We sent off the bid. When the end date came and went, I breathlessly checked the mail daily to see if won. Finally, I received a very official looking envelope with basically a notification and an invoice. I won! We paid through a postal money order and received instructions on where to collect my triumphant spoils. 

This is where things go sideways.

We just had no way of getting the stuff picked up. It was miles away. I didn’t even have a bicycle at the time (thanks Bobby Dickstein!) My brother worked out a deal with a super shady guy named Lance who had a mini truck, for a tank of gas and some swiped booze (my parents were super light drinkers, by the time I moved out, the bottles behind their bar were 90% water). We were mobile! We drove down to the warehouse with my paperwork in hand. 

Turns out we were going to a Marine base! There we were: my brother, a slightly chubby freckled redhead, me a scrawny pre-pubescent doofus and Lance, a long haired stoner straight out of Dazed and Confused (15 years ahead of time but period correct) he was  wearing a Mr.Zogs  Sex Wax t-shirt.  As we got closer to the gate, Lance starts freaking out. He’s got pot on him and no ID. 

After we explained who we were and why we were there, the gate guard had us drive to a holding area. Do not exit the vehicle. Do not drive past the second fence. After about 25 minutes a very stern looking guy came out and walked around the truck. “Gentlemen, I understand you’re here to retrieve a parcel” 

“Yes Sir!”  

“Do not address me as “Sir” I work for a living” (I may have made this up) I’m Gunnery Sergeant Jones”

“Is this the vehicle in which you intend to remove your property?”

“Yes, Gunnery Sergeant” 

“Well, who is Ourmanflint?”

“Well, Me sir, I mean Gunnery Sergeant”

 He said to follow him, he took us to a dusty field and storage yard where we passed building after building of neglected green junk, everything was covered in tarps and tied with rope.  He finally stopped and said “Do you see the problem here?”  huh? What? 

“This is your darkroom”  

We were in front of a dilapidated 20’ trailer from no later than 1960. It was filthy and sitting on very low tires. He opened the door. “Go ahead, watch out for mice and spiders” 

Inside was as shitty and rotted as the exterior.  Boxes of old photographic supplies, unrecognizable cannisters and an ancient vintage enlarger that was probably state-of-the-art when Ike was in the White House.

I was crestfallen, feeling dumb. Gunny chimed in “I don’t think Cheech’s rig will tow this thing” 

Tow this thing? I wanted to get out of here and never look back. 

“What happens if we don’t pick it up?”

“Kid unless you’re hiding a diesel rig somewhere that thing is going nowhere”

We left.

The coup de grace

My brother and I left. As much as I wanted to split the blame with him, (he was older) this was on me. I told him it was great deal and that I knew everything on the listing. My money was gone (thanks Gerald Ford!) but the worst was yet to come.

Sometime in the next few weeks we started getting official looking “Abandoned property’ letters and “Notice of forfeiture” and then, it happened. I came home from school one afternoon and there in front of my house…. was the green beast. My horror was compounded by the fact that it was blocking driveway. There was no hiding from this.

I went inside the house, (I remember closing the drapes as if my parents wouldn’t notice it when they came home) and started frantically calling the numbers I had for the warehouse. It was about 3 or 4 tries in, when I finally got someone on the line who could help. 

 “Yeah, we had a load going to Oxnard and Gunny said to drop it off on the way”

I said “Are you crazy? I’m a 13-year-old kid” the guy on the other end said “We’ll according to the department of disposal you’re the owner of a surplus trailer” and hung up.

About this time, a small group of nosey-ass neighbors and kids (most of my friends) had gathered around to see the green behemoth. This was perfect timing as my dad was rounding the corner in his brown 1972 Fleetwood Brougham (which was a tank in its own right)

My parents were not exactly engaged helicopter parents. My siblings and I pretty much did whatever we wanted with little of no supervision. They only got involved when our antics disrupted their lives. Like now.

My dad was not Ward Cleaver. He basically said “Deal with it”. Over the next few days I cleaned it out and was able to move it so it wasn’t blocking the driveway (8 kids pushing it). After a few days we decided to run an ad in the LA Recycler (IYKYK) . I sold it to a Hippie who showed up in a vintage Postal truck and gave me fifty bucks. 

I eventually built my darkroom, and my family still teases me about the “Beast”

TL;DR: 13 year old me bid on a portable darkroom and "won" a decommissioned military trailer.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/LadyYumYumSauce on 2025-07-29 23:15:32+00:00.

So, at work. Not quite a corner cube but close, there's a wall right behind me. Fairly secluded, only one person you'd have to walk by me to get to. It's 4:30, been a long day of meetings and such. I'm at my desk when an ITCH comes out of nowhere. I try to ignore it - a valiant effort - but eventually I stick a hand in my pocket for a discreet scritch. No good, the itch persists. It's distracting and builds until I can't take it and I start VIOLENETLY scratching my poor vag (through my pants, I do have some class) when suddenly I see a flash out of the corner of my eye. My poor poor coworker, walking by my desk. We make eye contact and he gives a slight nod and smile ?? What does that mean???? Honestly not sure how to progress here.

TL; DR I scratched an itchy punani like a wild animal and accidentally made my coworker an unwilling witness

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/garri128 on 2025-07-29 20:06:36+00:00.

Posted in another community and gave some people a good laugh so thought I’d share on my impressment.

I was using the bathroom at work this morning to relieve my bowels of some building pressure. All part of the normal routine.

I am going on a trip this weekend to golf. Looking forward to it, while sitting on the toilet, I watched a hole by hole walkthrough for about 20 minutes.

Not really realizing it, and the implications it could have, my legs went completely numb from sitting on the toilet too long. I stood up and bent over to wipe, and fell head first through the stall door (enough force that it became unlatched) and onto the ground. This scared the shit out of the person using the urinal beside it. And he nearly peed on me as he frighteningly turned around as I was scrambling to get back up with my pants down, ass out, and the stall door swinging out and around right at him, almost hitting him. Getting up was no small feat, pants around my ankles, numb legs, I thought I’d never walk again as I scooted back into the stall to finish what I started. I don’t think I can come to work once word gets out about this.

TL;DR: legs fell asleep sitting on toilet for too long. Leaned forward to wipe and lost all balance, falling forward and busting through stall door.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/remirixjones on 2025-07-29 19:29:24+00:00.

This all started because my watch strap broke. I've worn the same model of $25 Casio watch for over a decade now. I tried to fix my watch to no avail, so I figured I'd pop into Walmart before my therapy appointment to pick up a new one. As a neurodivergent person, I fucking hate Walmart. But I figure I've got a whole therapy session to complain about it lol.

They didn't have my watch model in stock. Not having a watch really messes with me, so I bought a similar model that seemed to fit my needs. Crisis mitigated. I'm not thrilled with the change, but it's something.

I now have exactly enough time to get to therapy...and my car won't start. No worries, I've had problems with the engine control relay overheating. I pop the hood, pull it out, and cool it down. That usually works, but it didn't this time. I call my therapist's office and tell them I'll be a few minutes late. Being late makes me hella anxious. Phone calls make me hella anxious. And Walmart makes me overstimulated AF. But I'm still functional at this point.

As I'm about to put the relay back in place, I drop it into the engine compartment. Fuck. I can't find it. I call my therapist's office again to let them know what happened, and that I'm not sure when I'll make it to my appointment. I'm 6km from the office. I'm too dysregulated to get an Uber or a taxi, and my phone is down to 9% battery.

So I do what any strong independent 31yo Autistic does: I call my parents. After a bit of discussion, my dad says he's going to drive out to help me find the relay that I've dropped in my engine. He drove 20km [40km total] to come help me cos I was on the verge of a meltdown. Absolute legend!

Happy ending: we fished the relay out of the engine bay, and I got my car started. My therapist was very understanding, and I was able to reschedule. And my dad got to try out a new Walmart, so he had a good time lol.

I'd love it if everyone could comment "thanks Dad!" cos I want to send this post to him. I want to make his day!

TL;DR: tried to complete a simple errand before a therapy appointment, but then my car wouldn't start. Tried to fix the problem, as I have many times, but dropped a critical component into the engine bay and couldn't find it. My dad drove a total of 40km to help me! Please comment "thanks Dad!" to make his day.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Top_Ratio4957 on 2025-07-29 18:27:51+00:00.

Now everyone knocks on my door with broken shit and I have to pretend I know what I'm doing. youtube University is carrying me through home repairs I'm not qualified for. This all started three weeks ago when my neighbor Janet mentioned her door was squeaking loud enough to wake the dead. I had some wd-40 lying around so I sprayed the hinges and that's how it got fixed. She was so grateful she told everyone in the building about my "handyman skills" Now I'm apparently the go to guy for every broken appliance Yesterday a neighbor showed up with a toaster asking if I could "work my magic" I was like I sprayed some oil on door hinges I'm not an appliance mechanic. I've been frantically googling fixes 30 seconds before people show up. "How to unclog garbage disposal" and "why is my toilet making that noise" are now my most searched terms. I'm watching repair videos at 2x speed while people wait in my hallway expecting miracles. I just fixed one of the neighbors the sink by literally just tightening a loose connection I found in a 5 minute video and he gave me $40 and a bottle of wine.

tldr accidentally became the building handyman after fixing one squeaky door now everyone shows up with broken stuff and I’m just googling tutorials 30 seconds before answering the door pretending I know what I’m doing while youtube carries my entire reputation