The Onion

Ryder, the local young leader of the Paw Patrol, has long been a fixture in Adventure Bay. He is often seen gallivanting around town with his high-tech ATVs or overseeing operations in his pup-filled command center. However, recent concerns about his upbringing have left many locals bewildered and wondering where the hell are Ryder’s parents?

“I see that kid zooming around town on his ATV at all hours of the day and night,” expressed one concerned citizen. “Doesn’t he have a bedtime? And where are his parents when he’s operating heavy machinery without any formal training? I have never even heard his parents being referenced, let alone seen proof that they exist. The kid can’t be more than 10 years old! Where are social services?”

Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com

“The truth is, Kendrick, I think you’re a sweetie / Does 2 p.m. work, or maybe 3?” Drake raps in his new single titled “I Miss You, Buddy,”

😂

HOLLYWOOD – With his Netflix comedy film Unfrosted debuting to abysmal reviews, 70-year-old comedian Jerry Seinfeld blames the failure on “extreme left, and PC college campus audiences”, unlike in his heyday, when the teenage girls he dated were fans of his comedy.

“We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to explain to her that what she saw was just him and Mum doing something the therapist made them promise they’d do every Sunday night at precisely 7:30 p.m., I teared up,”

AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical function,” said CEO Elon Musk, whose announcement came as a shock to the team of 500 Tesla workers responsible for the electric vehicles’ braking systems. “As the brakes never really worked anyway, we figured the team’s existence was redundant. Going forward, none of our models will be outfitted with brakes. Instead, we will shift our efforts to making fart noises louder.” At press time, Tesla staffers responsible for wheels were reportedly nervous after receiving an ominous meeting request from HR.

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison.

“Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be permitted to complete their semesters from the New York penitentiary system,” said Columbia University President Minouche Shafik, adding that in light of recent events, all members of the community were encouraged to attend lectures virtually from the comfort of their dark, windowless, 6-by-8-foot cell.

“While we wish we could continue in-person learning, the best way to keep our university safe is to allow students, faculty, and staff to complete the last few weeks of the school from behind bars.

Also, should students need, they will be permitted to accept their diplomas virtually, regardless of whether they are in the back of a police van, at Rikers Island, or in solitary confinement somewhere off the grid.”

At press time, Shafik added that any student who had been beaten to death could, if need be, also complete classes from their morgue.