The Onion

This is a little late, but it is kind of funny.

ope, not onion

So there I was, minding my own business, when, for some inexplicable reason, I found myself idly thinking about the fall of the Romanov dynasty. For the life of me, I can’t tell you what led me to reflect on the moment when Nicholas II lost control over a once-burgeoning empire due to widespread unrest that he himself had a hand in shaping. Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe those barometric pressure changes can lead to more than just headaches?

(Washington DC) As attacks escalate in the Middle East, attention remains on the constant leaks from the trump administration regarding policy. After recent praise of the Defense Department on the secrecy around the B2 attacks on Iran, CNN has begun to report on rumors this could not have happened if Sec Hegseth had been drinking an excessive amount of vodka. They have called on the Secretary to help them stop the rumors, by appearing on their program and drinking one-fifth of a gallon (750 mL) of vodka in one sitting, then giving an interview on the administration. The Secretary has responded warmly on whatever twitter is called now.

He responded: “Easy to prove this, probably in one swallow if I skip breakfast. Delighted to prove being a secretary doesn’t mean wearing a dress.”

CNN host Anderson Cooper responded warmly with an invite on that evening’s newscast, keeping a very straight face.

CNN executives hope this is one of many interviews they will host, after hiring a dozen high school and colleges psychology counselors to their advisory staff. “We have had major issues reaching out to the administration, but we feel certain changes may address this. Pete is a strong man, and a serious bro, and we think this challenge will make him stand out as trump’s favorite. Also, kristi noem… girl who ruined your nails… call me and we can fix that, I know the best girl that can make those babies shine!”

When asked by a CNN reporter in a low cut dress if he only hired men that could handle tough challenges like the interview, the president was quick to agree with the statement. “Well of course I only hire the best people… Pete… Pete? …yes Pete is a good man and we’re really proud of what he’s doing.

Hegseth’s sponsor could not be reached for comment.

(Washington, DC) As attacks by israel and iran continue into their third week, US president donald trump announced he is pleased with how the world responded to his “total and immediate cease fire,” which he intended as a test for us all, and which we passed.

“I didn’t declare a cease fire, that would be ridiculous to declare a cease fire,” trump said at his New Jersey golf resort Tuesday. “Nobody is declaring peace… that was a test. A test. A big test and you have all passed, and I’m very proud of you, the passing, because a test is hard but your passing the test was about passing.”

Some US Middle East experts praise the president for his attempt to declare a cease fire, and his novel approach. “This is a complex situation,” said one expert, “and in tense times, a child’s innocence can sometimes make cooler heads prevail. The fact this child is an overweight confused old man in this scenario… does not mean the novelty of telling people they weren’t at war couldn’t work.”

Republicans agree. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in west Texas, said, “the president ended the war, that is final. And maybe when those two stop shooting each other, they’ll realize this ended years ago, when trump said it did. Also, I’m proud to pass the president’s test. I didn’t even study.”

Both israel and iran remained at war at time of publishing.

This classic from The Onion was originally published all the way back in 2003.