The Onion

(Kerr County, Texas) As Texas recover from devastating July 4th Floods, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, reminds americans to remain vigilant of attempts to enter the country illegally. ICE reports over 800 foreign nationals have been detained near the flooding, with more being found daily, some actually turning themselves in at rescue stations with recovered bodies or grateful survivors.

“This man pulled me out of a tree,” one woman said, shaking, as her rescuer was led away in handcuffs. He spent an hour getting his boat close enough through the debris. I should have died.”

Her rescuer, 27-year-old Manuel Riveras, is a rescue swimmer from Juarez, Mexico, and was leading a team of 11 to help search for missing residents. All 12 of them were immediately put on a plane to Honduras.

“We have a serious problem, people,” the president said in a speech on Monday. “Elements of a Mexican cartel named ‘el Bombidaro’ have entered the country during this terrible crisis. Members are actively identifying themselves as Bombidaro when asked… that’s how brazen they are… and it’s dangerous, people, some of them look like you or me.”

Press spokesperson Karoline Leavit emphasized the danger Tuesday morning. “We are having problems finding people that can translate the Mexican, but we are extremely confident these Bombidaros are led by a man named ‘El Capitan del Búsqueda y Rescate.’ We the White House has a message for Captain del Búsqueda y Rescate… leave-o the United States-o.”

The Mexican Government says they have considered filing a protest, but realize it’s probably better to just meet their people at the airport in Honduras.

(Cut and Shoot, Texas) As locals grieve and rescuers continue to recovery bodies, FEMA acting Director David Richardson told reporters this morning that he is deploying 600,000 prayers to the region, some sourced directly from local communities around the flood.

“We grieve with the residents of Texas, as the nation grieves. These prayers are a sign of our commitment, to letting the region recover on their own strength, without the meddlesome interference of the federal government.”

Richardson displayed a table of special votive candles created specifically for the event, depicting hundreds of crosses along a swollen river. “Those aren’t free,” he admonished a bystander who examined one. “These candles are a part of the recovery effort, and the president’s office assures me these are “the best candles, the very best,” and that a portion of the proceeds from each candle will go to reliefs efforts. They also clip onto a body bag, which is helpful given the tragedy we experienced this week.”

When asked when a permanent Director would be appointed to FEMA, given that we are one month into hurricane season, Richardson was optimistic. “Yesterday, the president tweeted my first name and said I was amazing, so I feel confident I will be confirmed before hurricane season ends.” He showed reporters the tweet, noting, “see that’s my name, and he mentions Texas. Anyway, who wants a candle?”

Ted Cruz could not be reached in Greece for comment.

(Washington DC) Court members were repeatedly pressed for comment on Saturday, as word has leaked out of a huge offer from Palantir Technologies to purchase the judicial activity of Justice Clarence Thomas, with a reported 1.2 billion dollars being offered in the deal. The offer details released so far include luxury housing, travel arrangements, and concubines, valued much higher than Thomas’s current indenture under billionaire Harlan Crow. Court watchers say this could be the largest known deal to date involving a US government official.

Thomas, an often maligned conservative justice of the Supreme Court, has multiple complaints levied against him of impropriety over the years. This new deal would blow past his previous offenses and could - should the court ever adopt an official code of ethics - lead to his resignation from government.

For now, though, the main question for is whether Thomas will stay loyal to his current owner, or switch teams. Palantir CEO Alex Karp says the change makes sense. “[Harlan] Crow has been hogging Clarence for quite some time, and for much less than the value he receives. Sure, he now has a free house for his mother, but we have real porn stars ready to do live porn on his command, with scripts written with the latest in AI. Clarence loves porn. And yeah, we can do much better than the house Crow bought him.”

“Harlan Crow needs to accept that if you want a man to play ball, you need to pay him like a star. Justice Thomas would be a great addition to our current roster of Congressmen and Senators.”

But not everyone is happy about the deal. “This is bullshit,” exclaimed comedian and news anchor John Oliver of Last Week Tonight. “I offered the man a camper… a very nice one, I might add… to retire, and now these assholes sweep in and pay him boatloads of money to keep going. Boatloads… I imagine a literal boat full of money pulling up to his beach house every time he makes a ruling! I’m only HBO money, you have to let a man like me compete!”

Those in the media question whether Thomas will agree to all the terms -wearing company branded robes is one stipulation know to be included - but also question whether Palantir needs the justice at all. “This man would make any conservative ruling for free, regardless of any paycheck,” said one media member who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisal. “I know it’s prestigious to own a justice, but the money might be better spent bribing the media. What… you saying you don’t want a billion dollars?”

Court watchers will be watching to see whose jet Thomas is flying on in the coming months.

(Washington DC) In a statement Friday, donald trump confirmed he will win the UFC fight planned to be held in the White House: “well of course I will win, and america wins,” trump told reporters as the rose garden was being paved. “I can’t spoil everything, although I can, and there is a chair and it will be really something, there will be blood and maybe Ivanka, it will be really something.” Trump then ‘pantomimed’ choking a Fox news reporter, who was later hospitalized with bruises to his neck.

(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.

“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”

It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.

“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”

Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”

This is a little late, but it is kind of funny.

ope, not onion

So there I was, minding my own business, when, for some inexplicable reason, I found myself idly thinking about the fall of the Romanov dynasty. For the life of me, I can’t tell you what led me to reflect on the moment when Nicholas II lost control over a once-burgeoning empire due to widespread unrest that he himself had a hand in shaping. Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe those barometric pressure changes can lead to more than just headaches?