The Onion

(Washington, DC) It has been a lightning 10 days for the trump administration, as policy changes are rippling through government with a clear mandate to end what republicans view as preferential treatment of gays, transexuals, and minorities. And as these measures play out, a large number of shocked conservatives are finding that these measures, intended to hurt the groups they fear, are having immediate effects on them and their families.

“I’m 32, I work out every day, I have a wife and 3 kids,” said one midwestern man. “I drive a truck, and that tattoo right there is on installments. But I was employed 8 months at a federal job, and now I’m looking to be furloughed if not straight out fired. We were supposed to be hurting the gays. Am I gay? Is president trump telling me I’m gay? I’m confused, man.”

This confusion is becoming widespread, as virile men and strong women around the US come to terms with the challenging fact that policies they felt would hurt these specific groups are targeting them. “I suppose I could wear a dress,” said one North Dakota solar installer laid off due to proposed tariffs. “Maybe something that shows off my heels, assuming I wore heels. Man, this is confusing… I just can’t believe I’m gay. Maybe I can start in a flannel dress and go from there? When trump said he was going to start a movement, I kinda thought he just meant bigger mud flaps, not awakening things in me.”

But not all groups are despondent with the new changes. Baron Quaydal, a gay business owner in Cincinnati, sees some good in the changes. “There used to be a stigma about judging by sexual orientation, but the new administration took all this away. I’ve fired all my straight employees and a few of the bisexual low performers. Even Keith,” he sighed. “Man that’s one rehire I’d like to make, if you catch my meaning.”

“At least I know my taxes are going down,” he noted.

Social scholars, many now concerned for their jobs, have a wry - some would say sarcastic - take on the confusion. “Yep,” said one. “Gay gay gay. You’re all gay, and the sooner you catch on, the sooner you can say ‘I love president trump’ with your whole heart.”

(Washington DC) As trump enters the second week of office, issuing executive orders en masse that caused sweeping changes to the political landscape, republican leaders are becoming concerned that fear among their electorate is approaching lows not seen in four years. Lawmakers are apprehensive, as push button issues appear to be addressed by gross overreaches of power, greatly reducing the anxiety of republican voters.

“Last week,” said one aide who asked not to be named, “you could say DEI or immigrant drug pedophile, and have a turkey elected as governor of a red state. Now, although nothing has really changed, it appears to have changed… which is the worse thing we could possibly face.”

“I think we won,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Arkansas. “All that DEI is gone, trump said so. It even snowed last week. Take that, global warming.”

Signs of weakening in the power of fear are apparent in state politics, as Ron DeSantis faced pushback from his immigrant crisis special session of state government, which instead gabbled his session closed and discussed reasonable steps to meet immigrant issues in the state. “You wouldn’t see this under Biden,” the afore-mentioned aide stated. “Two weeks ago they would have barricaded the doors in case an immigrant might wander in during session. The tension is leaving the room, and with this, reasonable legislation might be a possibility.”

With paranoia that democrats would attempt to steal their idea of attacking the free transition of power fading, and an electorate so unaware how the legal process of overturning executive overreach works that they could not finish this sentence out loud, republicans are facing the worst possible circumstance as a party of opposition - the illusion of victory. “We won,” Loe Sturbgetter reiterated. “Soon eggs are gonna be cheaper than water at Walmart.”

“Republicans can only hope the democrats champion some issue soon that they can complain about,” said one legal scholar, “or there is a possibility the voting base may realize they’re been fooled. Championing the Second Amendment is only a successful strategy if the party is looking outside in fear, rather than inside in anger.”

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.

New Department Features Sleek Logo, Promises "Alternative Perspectives on Reality"

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefits. These russian guys say as long as I follow orders, I can probably work there the rest of my life. They were nice, they kind of laughed when I said I wasn’t used to seeing much snow [Ed. - referring to the Jan 2025 show storms in the SouthEast]. I can’t wait to see the front positions they keep referring to.”

Opposition is light among those normally hostile to russia in the US, too. As one policy expert stated, “I see this as a net win, as long as those who carefully examine the offer decide if they really want to take it. But if you believe this is for you, please go. This could lead to a strong demographic swing in the US… because these people will be so thoroughly taken care of, I mean.”

Elon Musk will finally achieve his dream of people liking him, after President Trump made it a criminal offence not to, in an executive order signed today.

In what is believed to be a quid pro quo for over US$270 million in campaign donations, the executive order will also require Americans to laugh at Elon Musk’s jokes, a harsh stipulation which some experts say may contravene human rights.

cross-posted from: https://feddit.org/post/7099527

Paukenschlag: USA treten aus der Erde aus!

(Fort Worth, Texas) On a day where hundreds of criminals have been given a free pass, one imprisoned conservative law-breaker, Joe Exotic, is hoping to also cash in on the new president’s sweeping clemency with a request of his own. Exotic, who was convicted of multiple attempts of murder-for-hire against his fellow tiger “conservator” Carol Baskins, has a message for president trump: free me, and I will immediately attack the foundations of democracy.

The pledge is drawing mixed reviews from his fellow republicans. “I don’t think you can just promise to attack democracy and get a pass,” said Lowby Prucker, a self-proclaimed republican activist. “These men… and maybe women, I don’t keep track of that… they already stood up and said ‘no’ when America tried to follow the constitution [on January 6th]. They risked getting arrested and went to jail. Now that everybody knows there’s no consequences, of course some people will claim they’ll do it.”

“Maybe if he said he’d ride a tiger into congress,” he added. “That would be pretty sweet.”

That sentiment was shared by republican lawmakers as well. “Now that Lowby mentioned it on his podcast, I think a tiger on the capital steps would be awesome,” said one GOP lawmaker who requested not to be named. “Letting an out-of-control creature loose in government is very on-message for our plans for the next 4 years. However, I don’t think trump will go for it… I mean maybe if it chases Nancy Pelosi… but trump is as likely to pardon the tiger as Joe. Also, Joe Exotic and Joe Biden have the same first name. You have to be around trump to understand why that’s a bad thing.”

Law scholars agree that with this being a Federal conviction, the ball rests squarely in trump’s hands. But as of Wednesday, Exotic remains caged like a… man that likes tigers.