The Onion

(Washington DC) As the republican party continues to deliver on their campaign promises in a rapid yet still slow-motion-trainwreck manner, cracks are beginning to show in party unity. As the republicans move to buy Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blueland,” opposition is starting to emerge from inside the party, with representatives “loosely attached to and partially funded in times of need” by Mountain Dew, a subsidiary of Pepsi. These representatives (and one republican senator) are not happy about the change, and are vocal.

“When I think of Greenland, I think of the cool, refreshing taste of Mountain Dew,” said one member of the appropriately named Baja Blast Caucus. “It doesn’t matter if you are snowboarding or watching massive sheets of ice slide into the sea, it should be done with the color green firmly in mind. With this in consideration, we have proposed the name be changed instead to The Great Taste of Mountain Dew Original Land.”

Mountain Dew, known for it’s sugary soda and brief, disastrous sponsorship of childhood obesity, “sponsors” 8 members of congress, and is said to be looking to hire more, for problems exactly like this one. “Greenland was already named to deceive settlers once,” said one Mountain Dew representative, “and once is enough. I mean who’s going to pay a representative to fight for red white and blue, the popsicle lobby?” He thought for a minute. “Well, maybe the Chinese flag manufacturing lobby. I didn’t think of that.”

Already competition is strong for renaming cities in the country as well. “Reykjavik is hard to pronounce,” a confused republican congresswoman declared. “We should rename it Freedomtown. Or maybe Nestle.”

Danish officials could not be reached for comment on the naming rights of their territories.

(Beijing, China) Not even a month into the administration, the policies of donald trump have quickly sought to remake the US government in his interests. As government agencies shutter, international aid stops, and unneeded enemies are made from allies, one international competitor is spinning trying to keep up.

“We thought 60 years to be the dominant power,” says one Chinese official that asked we will call Win to protect his identity. “This shit is ridiculous, slow down and let us catch up, this is too fast.”

Win, one of many Chinese officials working to bring China to world supremacy, is one of many in the Chinese government alarmed with the rapid, some would say spirally out-of-control, behavior of the trump regime. “Under a normal US President, we would work twenty years to place a bug in his office. We sent a dozen off brand air tags to his office in a white envelope last week, spray painted gold and saying ‘trump + appil’ on them. He put them on all his luggage. We misspelled Apple!” He took a hard drag on his cigarette. “This is like throwing babies in a shark tank. Too easy, not fun.”

Pacific Rim countries also feel the whip lash as the balance quickly changes. “America still has the larger military,” said one Philippine general, “but how fast can you drive a Lamborghini on quaaludes? I mean, American ships go through our waters all the time,” he rationalized. “Maybe the Chinese just really want a base and prostitutes, like the Americans.

China hawks in Congress are also distracted by the problems at home. “Did you know a gay man could have sat on the same toilet as me in the Congressional offices,” one republican Senator was overheard telling Lindsey Graham (R - S.C.). A gay man’s bottom and mine could have been touching… Lindsey, stop smiling, this is serious!”

How far China will go as America falters is anyone’s guess, but Win feels concern at the windfall. “America became dominant in the world very quickly as a world war ravaged most of the world but them. This administration can’t be as bad as a war killing millions, can they?” His look of concern was telling. “I hope this doesn’t turn us into an America. I want my kids to have opportunities when we seize the world and suck the marrow from its bones.”

The president’s office was trying on goofy hats and unable to comment by publish.

Chocolate giant argues toxic posts eclipse their own controversies, demands compensation

(Bogota, Colombia) After several difficult exchanges between the trump administration and Colombia, the gloves are off - the President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro, has announced 75% export tariffs on all cocaine leaving the country for America. This tariff, a tax to be paid on all cocaine headed to the US or with the US as its final destination, goes into effect immediately. With the increased cost, supplies are beginning to dwindle in the US; Republicans are outraged at the news.

“This is an outrage, this is unfair,” screamed the president, searching desperately through his desk for something. “This is… this is an outrage,” he repeated. “To think that… the thing… they can’t be placing… totally unfair!” This sudden response has been seen throughout the republican establishment, or at least in its members that matter.

“I for one support the president and his agenda,” said a confused Mitch McConnell, being wheeled through the capitol. “What? Cocaine? Do you have any cocaine? Oh, you’re a reporter? Then you probably don’t have any.”

McConnell, once referred to by a political rival as “Cocaine Mitch,” has been falling down stairs repeatedly in the recent week, for reasons totally not related to this story.

“But you don’t have any, though,” he added.

Surprisingly, Colombian cartels are pleased with the measure, as the tariffs will be collected, administered, and managed by the international smuggling cartels of the country. One member commented, on condition of anonymity, “it’s hard not to support good trade policy like this. I was going to, like, buy an island with all the extra money, but with all that ice melting, I kinda think I will buy the higher parts of Florida and wait.”

Economists, asked whether US production of cocaine could cover domestic demand, were surprised. “Our funding is stopped, and I have an interview at Starbucks in 10 minutes,” said one. “The US can reap what it sows.”

We can only wait to see if that reaping includes cocaine.

(Detroit, MI) Republicans have begun a crusade against the time-honored 1981 classic Raiders of the Lost Ark, citing a lack of respect for the first amendment and encouraging political violence.

Sites like imdb.com have seen a surge in new accounts as Conservative Americans across the nation are creating profiles in order to leave a one-star rating for the Spielberg classic Raiders of the Lost Ark. According to these reviews, the film contains gratuitous politically-motivated violence, and a complete disregard for the first amendment right granting freedom of speech. According to inside sources, viewers feel threatened by the persecution experienced by the characters in the film, decrying it as glorifying violence.

"I don't expect them to agree on everything," one reviewer writes, "but violence isn't warranted for differences in political alignments. Ultimately, [Jones] and his competition have more in common than they have different." Another critic writes that they "of course don't identify with the politics of these characters, but cannot condone the slander and persecution presented against them." Similarly, many reviews cite tolerance as a virtue sadly missing from the movie. Summarizing the position aptly, one review states, "if he would simply sit down and have a rational debate, rather than punching the Nazis, I'm certain Indiana could have resolved his differences without so much bloodshed."

Related, ratings for 1963's The Great Escape have seen a sharp improvement, with reviews praising the dedication and efficiency of the soldiers depicted in the film, even though three prisoners manage to escape.