A place for lovers of B movies to come together and talk about them.
Rules:
WHO WILL SURVIVE THE TERROR?
A terrible storm at sea turns an ocean liner's luxury voyage into a nightmare. Those lucky enough to survive the sinking ship soon find themselves stranded on an uncharted island. A living hell breaks loose when the survivors encounter gruesome, flesh-eating Beast Creatures!
Bog (1979) is the movie for this Sunday's "monsterdon" watch party over on Mastodon, our fediverse sibling!
How to watch the movie:
Dynamite fishing in a rural swamp revives a prehistoric gill monster that lives on the blood of human females.
...
Leonard Maltin awarded the film 1 star or BOMB, calling the film "Ultra-cheap" and "[an] ultra-bad time-killer".[4] In his book Horror Films of the 1970s, film critic and independent filmmaker John Kenneth Muir gave the film 1 out of a possible 4 stars. In his review, Muir wrote, "They don't make movies like Bog anymore and we can all be grateful for that. This is a monster film made by people with only the most rudimentary knowledge of how to assemble a film. It is poorly acted, shot, written, and edited. It also commits the cardinal sin of being boring."
A SUPA TRUE STORY
A mild-mannered doctor is trained in the art of ass-kicking by a no-nonsense ghetto kid in an effort to regain a family heirloom from Uganda's toughest gang.
THEY WERE OUT FOR BLOOD, AND ROTTEN TO THE CORE. NOW THEY'RE BACK...
Deranged professor Gangrene once again comes up with a plan to conquer the world with the help of mutated killer tomatoes. Now it comes down to pizza courier Chad Finletter to stop Gangrene and save tomato girl Tara, his love interest.
A review on The Action Elite brought to my attention the Anna Nicole Smith vehicle (apparently, yes, there was such a thing), Skyscraper (1996), from the defunct 90s straight-to-video action studio PM Entertainment, of previous B Movie Bonanza posts like Inferno and The Silencers.
The PM Entertainment Podcast mentioned in the review (no episode on Skyscraper yet):
Another podcast, about Skyscraper
Remember the cliché elevator pitch for movies? "It's Die Hard meets [X]." Well, Skyscraper is "Die Hard meets a Playboy model". It stars Anna Nicole Smith and... no one else. Seriously, I've seen far too many movies and I didn't recognize a single other actor in this one. And if you weren't around in the 90s, it wasn't acting ability that Smith was renowned for.
Tubi (geographical availability varies, uncut)
Fawesome (geographical availability varies, works for me in Mexico, in English and uncut)
YouTube (has cuts)
From 'Full Action Movie RA' (a YouTube channel that claims to be licensed to show films. Unfortunately, a rather large 'RA' watermark in the corner, and occasional "like and subscribe" graphics. A somewhat 'off' scan, maybe a 4:3 source not only cropped but perhaps also a teensy bit stretched to fit the screen.)
This seems to be a "safe for work" edit. No nudity and certain violence removed. The trailer includes multiple scenes I didn't see in the film, including a clip that cleared up a mystery of how a certain bad guy got injured.
spoiler
But the other versions on YouTube have even shorter run times, so I guess they're cut even more.
Just Watch (adjust for your country, may not be right, e.g. it didn't show me that Skyscraper can be seen in Mexico on Fawesome)
Victim count (supercut of all the death & injury scenes, in Spanish)
Skyscraper (1996) - fan appreciation supercut - Anna Nicole Smith saves the day
My minimal experience with 'watch parties' like #Monsterdon has proven I just can't keep up with all the comments coming thick and fast AND watch the movie without pausing. But I like the idea of riffing on the movie and made my own "live log" as I watched, which I've posted below. If you don't want to sit through the whole film, maybe just try the log; or read it after watching. (Loads of spoilers, obviously.)
LOG
Anna Nicole Smith as a totally believable helicopter pilot, because of course 2-inch-long fingernails wouldn't interfere with controlling the joystick or collective at all.
Never mind, she doesn't even pretend to have her other hand on the collective, it's just resting on her lap.
"Heliscort". Because she's an escort who arrives by helicopter?
Nefarious secret government agents go to a nefarious secret meeting... in a car with plates that tell everyone it's a government car.
Attack by Male Models Incorporated!
Now a female model, too!
Man, they did not skimp on the Flaming Vehicle budget.
Baddie can hit and shoot apart a handcuff chain at 10 metres, dayum!
[Lingerie scene] Girl is thick ... Oh my god, Smith can't even say lines. I mean, I wasn't expecting Meryl Streep-level delivery, but this! This. Is. Terrible.
Same shot of her two-inch nails on the joystick and her other hand not even pretending to hold the collective.
The bad guys' disguise as a work crew is a tad undermined by them openly carrying machine pistols on the street in broad daylight.
Spine punch!!! And again!
Oh man, is the chief baddie gonna be theatrically reciting Shakespeare quotations the whole damned film?
"Sure, you recognize Henry IV, Anna Nicole."
Flaming vehicle... and human. Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing.
Is the baddie hammy? He's an entire leg of jamón serrano ibérico. [Henceforth, to be referred to as Hamalot.]
Alan Rickman must be spinning in his grave over how bad these German accents are. Oh no, you don't even want to hear the ¿Jamaican? accent. Jar Jar Janitor.
Tiny tot security guard is a reject both from the police academy and Police Academy. No wonder Jar Jar's giving him shit.
Male Models Incorporated on the attack again!
Did the bad guy with the long blonde hair and Euro accent who's totally not a rip off of Karl in Die Hard just climax when garroting someone???
That's a looong gaze at Leather Daddy Terrorist Male Model's arse. Equal opportunity objectification?
Rival baddy to Hamalot: "Oh jeez, you're still doing that Shakespeare crap." Yes, yes he is.
The last piece of the McGuffin is now in place. Let the havoc commence! Fabio Wannabe Terrorist Male Model goes pew pew. He and Future's So Bright Gotta Wear Shades Terrorist Male Model chase the McGuffin.
Helicopter pilot Anna Nicole, now with the McGuffin, decides to escape by... leaving the perfectly good helicopter and running to the edge of the skyscraper's roof???
Future's So Bright finally takes off his shades to spine punch some hapless maintenance guys that he could have easily subdued just by threatening them with his gun. Never let a chance to needlessly spine punch someone pass you by!
Fabio Wannabe demonstrates his callous disregard for human life and the fabulous results of his hair care regimen.
Cops still clueless about skyscraper hostage situation despite Leather Daddy unloading 200 rounds all over busy downtown LA when trying to shoot Anna Nicole doing her "McClane-on-a-firehose from Die Hard" impression.
Time for a horny pic-a-nic flashback... and it suddenly fades away! Is this the TV/airplane edit? I was told there would be boobs.
"There's only 11 spots you can land a helicopter in Los Angeles." Uhh, I don't think so, mate. I mean, I can see at least 5 buildings topped with helipads on screen as you're saying that.
Unaffiliated "cracker" (short for "crappy hacker") does his "Harry the Cokehead from Die Hard thinks he can make a deal with the terrorists" impression.
Jar Jar Janitor does his "Argyle from Die Hard" impression, listening to his Walkman and oblivious to the hostage situation.
Kid on Big Wheel does his "Danny from The Shining" impression.
"Zarkov, Zarkov". Flash, Flash?
"We need a place to hide." Unprovokedly leaves hiding place after literally 12 seconds.
Anna Nicole vs Fabio Wannabe gun battle. I can't tell whose hair is more glorious. Police Academy Reject saves the day! Bye bye, Fabio Wannabe.
Police Academy Reject: "Be careful out there." Maybe he's a Hill Street Blues reject, too.
Cracker gets his well-telegraphed just desserts, naturally. Bye bye.
Fire brigade, completely flummoxed by a rattly, loose locked door. Because, you know, they have no training, experience or equipment for that sort of thing.
While Leather Daddy threatens to "play" with a captured Anna Nicole, the others are completing the Die Hard rip-off by rigging the place to blow.
Flaming vehicle! (Well, if you include the ladder extending from a fire engine.) It's been a while.
Why does Hamalot's detonator look like a massive hypodermic for injecting horses?
"Awww, they're blowing up a cute widdle teeny tiny model of the skyscraper."
Responding to cop's query on how to breach the building, the software developer of the building's OS delivers his in-depth technobabble assessment: "Well, basically, you're fucked." :D
Hamalot does his "Hans Gruber reading about them in Time magazine from Die Hard" impression. And Totally-Not-Karl-from-Die-Hard also serves double duty as Totally-Not-Theo-from-Die-Hard, too, hacking the building's computer system.
Bye bye, Leather Daddy. Did she shoot him in the dick??? That'll teach him to get rapey. [Trailer shows a cut scene where she stabbed him in the crotch with something like a letter opener.]
Big gun battle in a storage room of shelves of production video tapes. "Did... did they just film this in the PM Entertainment offices?"
Bye bye, Jar Jar Janitor. Unlike Totally-Not-Karl+Theo-from-Die-Hard, Future's So Bright doesn't climax when he garrotes someone.
Bye bye, Future's So Bright. You should have got your rocks off when you had the chance.
The Damsel saves her Knight in Shining Armour. Anna Nicole keeps calling her husband "Gordy" despite the fact he's clearly not a Canadian ice hockey player from the 70s.
Bye bye, Totally-Not-Karl+Theo-from-Die-Hard. Poor bastard, going out having to hear yet another Shakespeare quote from Hamalot.
Bye bye, Female Model Terrorist. Man, Anna Nicole ain't fucking about, no quarter offered.
Uh oh, Big Wheel Kid still in play... and, of course, Hamalot grabs him.
Final showdown between Anna Nicole and Hamalot... and he's so hammy now he sounds like Matt Berry at his mostest.
And after yet another Shakespeare quote, and a roundhouse kick off the top of the skyscraper from Anna Nicole, it's bye bye, Hamalot. Just about the only thing they didn't copy from Die Hard is the downward POV close-up of Hans Gruber's demise, instead just a long shot from below of a stuntman waggling his limbs on the way down.
Epilogue: where'd all the explosion damage to the building go? Oh that's right, they only blew up a miniature.
Fuel gauge? Check. Hydraulic reservoirs? Check. Two-inch fingernails? Check!
As her left hand is just sitting on her lap, what's she using to control the throttle and rotor pitch? The power of her mind?
Flame on !
Pew pew
Gun to Anna Nicole's head for the 5th? 6th? time.
~~Hamalot~~ Charles S. Huber demonstrates how to give a typically understated performance.
EDIT: I added links for the movie on Tubi (thanks, Sergio) and Fawesome.
Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein (1972) is the movie for this Sunday's "monsterdon" watch party over on Mastodon, our fediverse sibling!
How to watch the movie:
The film follows Dr. Rainer von Frankenstein (Price), who successfully captures Count Dracula (Vernon). Along with the Doctor's monster (Fernando Bilbao) the doctor controls the vampire for his own evil ends. The film is a co-production between Spain, Portugal, France and Liechtenstein.
...
From contemporary reviews in Spain, a review in La Vanguardia said the film would be entertaining to audiences, stating that the plot was confusing and "delirious" which would make audiences either react in fear or laughter.[9] El Mundo Deportivo praised the cinematography, while stating that the plot lacks originality; and that the focus on the quality photography made the plot lose its rhythm.[2] In the Canadian newspaper L'Action [fr] found the film lacked subtlety and the end result was more grotesque than horrific and that Dennis Price was unconvincing in the role of Dr. Frankenstein.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dracula,_Prisoner_of_Frankenstein
HALF-MAN, HALF-MONSTER!
An American journalist stationed in Japan is given a mysterious injection by a mad scientist, turning him into a homicidal, two-headed monster.
IT STARTED AS A GAME. CAMPERS AGAINST COUNSELORS. IT TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE, THAT BECAME A REVOLUTION.
A teen counselor at a boys camp leads the overthrow of its strict director and also the takeover of a nearby girls camp.
Found this review from Forces of Geek in my newsfeed, thought it might be of interest to folks here.
Cinema Bizarro is a very good book about (mostly) bad movies.
The fact that such all-time turkeys as Robot Monster and The Navy vs. the Night Monsters are treated with an equal level of respect to such genuine genre classics as Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Blob says a lot about the mindset of these reviews.
A book for kids covering everything from 7 Faces of Dr Lao to Woman Eater!
Publisher's link:
THE THIRD ENTRY IN THE RONDO AWARD NOMINATED MONSTER MOVIE BOOK SERIES!
From the creators of Giant Bug Cinema - A Monster Kid’s Guide and Giant Beast Cinema - A Monstrous Movie Guide, both of which reached the Top Ten on Amazon for Horror Movie Books, comes Cinema Bizarro — a celebration of killer plants, eccentric aliens, and weird westerns!
Featuring insanely insightful reviews of 38 movies (plus 30 capsule reviews of Weird Westerns of the 1930’s and 1940’s), take a very unsafe tourbus through a terrifying terrain filled with sight-stealing triffids, alien gorillas in diving helmets, and the vampires ’n’ dinosaurs that vexed the wild west. Let Cinema Bizarro envelop you in its loving embrace like the cool, slimy clutches of The Blob!
The contributors are:
• Larry Blamire - Rondo-Award winning film historian and cult filmmaker of Sony’s The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, Giant Beast Cinema
• Dan Madigan - former Writer for WWE, screenwriter/creator of See No Evil franchise.
• Tracy Mercer - Giant Beast Cinema, Host, My Favorite Shtty Movie podcast
• Mike Peros - José Ferrer: Success and Survival, Dan Duryea: Heel with a Heart, Giant Beast Cinema, film critic for Noho Arts District
• Steven Peros - Co-Editor/Contributor to Giant Beast Cinema, screenwriter of Peter Bogdanovich’s The Cat’s Meow
• Nadia Robertson - Cinema Macabre Magazine, Rock and Roll Nightmares, and Co-Host of Cinema Chats podcast
• Brian R. Solomon - Godzilla FAQ, Giant Beast Cinema
• Phoef Sutton - Two-time Emmy winning writer for Cheers, co-host of Films Freaks Forever podcast.
• Mark Bailey - Conceived, designed, and co-edited entire monster book trilogy.
• Steven B. Orkin - Copy editor for monster book trilogy, Winner of Stephen King’s On Writing contest
A LAND WHERE TIME STANDS STILL AND THE EXOTIC ACTION NEVER STOPS...
Action-movie star Tony Markham finds himself transported back in time to Dinosaur Valley. Now trapped in a world of dangerous dinosaurs, grunting cavemen and a tribe of exotic, love-starved cavegirls, Tony must put his modern-days skills to the test in order to survive prehistoric perils, win the cavegirl of his dreams and (maybe) return to his own time?
Godzilla: Final Wars (2004) - is the movie for this Sunday's "monsterdon" watch party over on Mastodon, our fediverse sibling!
How to watch the movie:
when a mysterious race of aliens known as the Xiliens arrive on Earth, the Earth Defense Force (EDF) find themselves locked in battle with various monsters attacking cities around the world, leading them to revive the only chance to save their planet: Godzilla.
...
On the review aggregator website Rotten Tomatoes, 50% of 12 critics' reviews are positive, with an average rating of 5.8/10.[15]Steve Biodrowski of Cinefantastique called the film "utterly fantastic" and "a rush of explosive excitement."[16] Jim Agnew of Film Threat gave the film four and a half stars out of five, saying "the good news for kaiju fans is that Godzilla: Final Wars is a kick-ass giant monster flick."[17] Drew McWeeny of Ain't It Cool News remarked, "Godzilla: Final Wars earns a special place in my heart. It's fun. Pure lunatic fun, every frame."[18] Sean Axmaker of Static Multimedia said, "Directed by a true fan of the old school, it's lusciously, knowingly, lovingly cheesy."[19] Craig Blamer of the Chico News & Review called the film "a giddy and fast-paced celebration of the big guy."[20]
Conversely, David Nusair of Reel Film gave the film one and a half stars out of five, saying that "the battles are admittedly quite entertaining" but felt that director Ryuhei Kitamura "is absolutely the wrong choice for the material."[21] David Cornelius of eFilmCritic gave the film two stars out of five, calling it "the dullest, weakest Godzilla movie I've seen in a long, long time."[22] Ty Burr of the Boston Globe gave the film one and a half stars out of five, saying it focused too much on action and not enough on story, and calling it "35 minutes longer than is necessary."
A SAVAGE ORGY OF BLOOD AND LUST!
On a tranquil island, vacationers face relentless torment from a sadistic biker gang. The situation turns deadly when one of the bikers gets killed.
Loads of people have thought "What if you had a time machine? Would you go back and kill Hitler?"
The Yesterday Machine addresses the question "What if you had a time machine and were a mad Nazi scientist? Would you go back and save Hitler? And bring him to present-day America?" (Hmmm....)
Apparently a cheapo "regional movie" made in Dallas and never distributed beyond the Texas drive-in circuit, its release is so shrouded in uncertainty that no one can quite agree on the year it first came out. (Suggestions include 1963, 1965 and 1966. Still filling out the bill in Texas drive-ins in the mid 70s.)
It opens with a completely gratuitous bit of majorette go-go dancing, and pans to also view... a knockoff Charles Napier. At which point I went "And this movie is gonna have Nazis... is this a RUSS MEYER MOVIE???"
But as the titles roll, it becomes clear this is by a completely different director. Russ Marker. See, 3 whole letters different from Russ Meyer!
We also know it's not the œuvre of the world's favourite Nazi-obsessed director by the fact that the majorette and other actresses lack Meyer's trademark... topheaviness. And the film is not nearly gonzo enough. It's a fairly action-free hour before the Nazis even show up, at which point the mad scientist spends like 15-20 minutes just explaining his time travel "science" in front of a blackboard. I genuinely dozed off at this point. (But presumably at the drive-in, this would be when the teens would be rounding third base, so... who cares?)
A literal snooze fest. Don't bother watching... once the go-go dancing is over.
Not Charles Napier, in a movie by not Russ Meyer
Info:
Teaser:
Movie (apparently it's in the public domain now, so it's everywhere):
THEY TAKE WAR TO A NEW DIMENSION.
During World War II, a group of American soldiers gets trapped behind enemy lines in Italy. They encounter an alien spaceship and its surviving passenger, leading to a pursuit involving both Nazi forces and additional extraterrestrial entities aiming to rescue their comrade.
SHE'S SO HOT, YOU'LL NEED TO CALL 911
In order to win the 'Centerfold of the Year' competition, Angel uses a serum developed by a mad scientist that will make her even more beautiful. She is so eager to win, however, that she accidentally overdoses on the substance and grows over 60 feet tall.
TRAILER [Slightly NFSW]
Forbidden Planet (1956) is the movie for this Sunday's "monsterdon" watch party over on Mastodon, our fediverse sibling!
How to watch the movie:
this landmark film is considered one of the great science fiction films of the 1950s,[4] a precursor of contemporary science fiction cinema.
...
Forbidden Planet's effects team was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Special Effects at the 29th Academy Awards. Tony Magistrale describes it as one of the best examples of early techno-horror.[10] In 2013, the film was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry by the Library of Congress as being "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant".
...
At the review aggregator website Rotten Tomatoes, the film holds a rating of 94% based on 51 reviews from critics, averaging 8.20/10.[25] Bosley Crowther of The New York Times wrote that everyone who worked on the film certainly "had a barrel of fun with it. And, if you've got an ounce of taste for crazy humor, you'll have a barrel of fun, too."[26] Variety wrote: "Imaginative gadgets galore, plus plenty of suspense and thrills, make the Nicholas Nayfack production a top offering in the space travel category."
FROM DEEP SPACE, AN ARMY OF MAN-EATING TERROR!
Brought back from a doomed space mission, an army of giant rats develop a big appetite for Los Angeles residents.
THEY TAMPERED WITH NATURE -- NOW THEY MUST PAY THE PRICE...
A cop chases two hippies suspected of a series of Manson family-like murders; unbeknownst to him, the real culprits are the living dead, brought back to life by an experimental ultra-sonic radiation machine used by the Ministry of Agriculture to kill insects.
THE ADULT PUPPET MOVIE WITH SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYBODY!
'The Feebles' is a major Bletch the Walrus variety show. Its cast includes a heroin-addicted frog, a rat trying to make adult movies, a manic-depressive elephant and a rabbit with AIDS. When Bletch's girlfriend and star of the show, Heidi the Hippo, discovers that her husband is cheating on her, she takes matters into her own hands.
Beyond Atlantis (1973) is the movie for this Sunday's "monsterdon" watch party over on Mastodon, our fediverse sibling!
How to watch the movie:
A band of adventurers invade a native island determined to grab a reported fortune in buried treasure. The islanders are just as determined to keep their sacred treasure. Complications ensue.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069783/
The film did not do well financially, something that Ashley chiefly attributed to the PG rating. "Had we done it a little harder it probably would have done better", said Ashley later. "At least we'd have had a picture that was a little more exploitable."[9] He also thought that the extensive underwater footage slowed down the action, saying, "It's gorgeous. But watching it is like watching slow motion."
..A BUILDING-BOUNDING BEAUTY ..WITH SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH ..AND AN EROTIC APPETITE TO MATCH
A socially-awkward young woman gets bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes a crime-fighting superhero. This Spiderbabe tries to defeat a nefarious super villain, and also goes after any man (or woman) she wants to bed down with.
Stumbled across the DDF: Reel Films channel on YouTube, which has a bunch of full movies that are apparently properly licensed.
After seeing Brett Harrelson (brother of Woody) in Inferno, I went with another desert action film with less famous / successful / good relations of someone famous. And it's a twofer! With John Belushi's brother James being intentionally odious as the bad guy and... Roger Clinton! Yes, look out for an early cameo from the half-brother of the then-serving President of the actual United States!
Plus, this is also a sci-fi timey-wimey flick (but don't worry, no technobabble) in the vein of Cause and Effect and Groundhog Day, and c/tenforward has been loopy for time loops lately.
Director
Starring
Geoff Andrew of Time Out wrote:
With its explosive action, black comedy and far-fetched sci-fi imposed on an otherwise vaguely plausible crime thriller, this modest indie film is reminiscent of such low budget '80s exploiters as Tremors and the work of Charles Band. Like the most memorable of these, it's lifted out of the rut by a quirky, imaginative script. True, Belushi's performance is overbearing and M. Emmet Walsh turns in yet another sweaty cameo; true, too, that the frequent visual emphasis on Travis' cleavage flags the movie's compromised ambitions. Nevertheless, there's more than enough energy, bravado and invention to engage the attention throughout.
I enjoyed it but then I'm a sucker for 90s action flicks.
